Monday, October 19, 2009
i've been hesitating to blog. but well, since there's nth i can do and he's out chatting with his friends, i shall just penned my thoughts...
last wednesday he went back to malaysia, and then i went over to look for him with his bro on friday morning. we took the five star tour bus over. everything was well, i was eager to meet up with him...he waited for us at kluang. with his mum and 2 nephews...
but when we reached there, the feeling was totally different. i felt so mo sheng. nv once before. i got the feeling that he no longer needs me, i got the feeling like i dun need him. this weird feeling overcome everything. i find that i was no longer happy. i wanted to smile, i wanted to hold him but i cant bring myself to do so. i felt so strange...
like out of place, like we shouldnt belong together...
i admit i have the sudden urge to leave the area, the shopping mall. i felt i wasnt even invited, tt was worst. i tried so many ways to push tt thoughts away, i tried to walk further away from him, i tried to avoid letting him hold me. things got complicated...feelings too...
it was only after 6 hrs...tt the familiar feeling came back...
but these few days....i've been thinking and thinking...is he the right guy for me? am i suppose to live in a world of fear....fearing that he might hit me again, fearing that he might scold me for no reason again, fearing that he might use his feet to kick me again.... i cant listen to him. because im not those girls who do not have any decision, do not have their own point of view. i do things which i think is right, i dun agree with what guys says unless they feed me, i dun have to work, i take money from them, then i got no choice but to listen. but im not. my parents feed me, i earn some pocket money to cover my own expenses, i dun take money from him anymore like he used to give me. i have my own thinking.
i felt so terrible for the past few days. i feel like crying all the time but i tell myself not to. i make myself super tired every night so that i will not be reminded of all the bad things he did to me. because i dun want to hurt him up till now. i know my leaving will make him very very upset. i know i got to think of myself too....
i really dunno what i want...not anymore....
complicated.
11:42 PM
