Saturday, September 01, 2007
how should i start? in chinese or in english?
alright, guess english is better.
i dunno if im thinking too much. i hope im not. i always made myself believe that he will always love me, i forced myself to believe this. 2 whole years and a fucking 2 months. i knew im trying to make myself feel better, to make myself have more confidence and trust in this relationship. however sth made me change my mind. sth which i will nv forgive him if it's true.
ppl says white lies can be forgiven. but to me, it depends on who and what the white lies relates to.
he seems to be giving money to someone. that someone wasnt his family members, definately not me, and who else can it be?
i knew all along, it was lies, lies and more lies. yet i forced myself to believe every word he says because many ppl told me - trust is the key to a successful relationship.
it's not because i dun want to trust him, it's because guys will usually take advantage of the trust given by us. not once, but twice, thrice. or maybe because of the many unsuccessful relationship in the past that makes me unable to trust guys.
i knew i've drag my visit to the gynae for quite some time- 5 months to be exact. i should be visiting my gynae but yet i keep giving myself an excuse that im not free, im too busy, im broke to visit the doc abt tt dumb cyst.
because no one knows my fear of visiting that gynae, no one knows how fierce that gynae was, no one knows how scared i am to faced the fact, no one ever face such things alone and so no one knows how i feel. even when michelle - my uncle's wife, asked abt my condition, i just told her it's not giving me a prob right now. because normally i dun feel hurt unless when it's very near my period, when the eggs are moving and going into the uterus, that's the time when the pain occurs. and i have abnormal bleeding and painful menstruation. sometimes it causes pain for my back. or maybe sth was wrong with my kidney. i dun want to know.
whether my cyst have grown into cancerous lump (because my gynae told me if there's clotted blood, i may have to remove the cyst) , i don't know. and i don't want to find out. if god wants to take my life away, that's sth which i cannot change. that's also the reason why i haven been seeking medical attention. what i can confirm right now is my inability to give birth in the future (unless the cyst are removed).
i've got to be strong to go through this ordeal. because no one will share my pain. and i will never let my parent share this pain too.
silence.
10:23 PM
