Thursday, July 12, 2007
haven had the time to update this diary. so shall do it now.
recently there's some unlucky things happening la. bro got into an accident and thank god he's fine. see, in s'pore it's all abt money money and money. did the repair work for the other party charged directly to my bro. luckily we prepared black and white. second accident tt happen to my close one in this year. is 2007 an unlucky year?
sometimes i've been wondering,whenever i said i've enough, i still dun wanna give up. what's the thing holding on to our relationship? i wun say it's the time spent together or that we are too used to each other in one anothers' life, or rather i should say for me only. because i know i've this unexplain feelings for him, sth which made me stay. he can make me cry for umpteen times, can scold me in whichever way he wants, can used as many vulgarities as possible but at the end of the day, im still together with him. it was this unexplained feelings....
i was kinda sad today. partly is because i dun understand why im still unable to trust him. many times when i called him, he'll try to hang the call as fast as possible. he seems to be hiding sth from me, but when i ask, he'll either ask me not to ask so much or he'll say this person is with him or his friend boss is ard, which has got nth to do with him.
the silence, the coldness towards him is not because im angry with him, more of disapppointment, more of sadness. sth which he will nv understand and will nv be able to understand. the many times tt i've cried at his hse, is not because i want sympathy, is because i was unhappy with myself for not making this r/s work out the way i want it, and im unable to make him happy. nobody will actually understand the feeling inside a broken heart when all the vulgarities were shooting directly at you. even a conversation not exceeding 2 mins can cause so many arguments.
im really in a confusion state. i cant handle a relationship well, and i cant handle my studies well esp in yr 3 when tutorials are left un-understood, when tutorials are left un-done.
my bro is going to camp in less than 12 hours. 6 more hours. abit of
bu she de esp when he's been admitted into pasir ris commando. my parents never agreed to let him into commando it's all purely on the government's decision and my bro is the only son.
heartless i just hope he'll be safe over there. 2 weeks cnt see until him, bet the hse will be so quiet.
when everything has to be hiden under a mask of fake smile.
11:56 PM
