Tuesday, October 17, 2006
dun care wad, im just gonna blog this down.
been bothering me ever since last fri. we sms each other for a few days. feelings develope. we like each other ( at least this is wad he says) but we cannot be together. firstly, he's attached, secondly, my bf is his best buddy. everything is jus so wrong. in fact falling in love with him is a wrong thing, wrong choice, yet i couldnt stop my heart frm loving him.
it bothers me, haunts me, day and night. without fail. first thing wake up in the morning, was how's he, has he eaten etc. i dunno why. i know im falling deep, but i couldnt resist. pearly undergoing the same situation as me. couldnt be with the one she love.
mon we met up for dinner. together with my bf. situation for me was awkward. for them was normal. i didnt even dare to look into his eyes. i wanted so much to but i cant. the worst thing is when he drove back to camp and we have to say gdbye. look, i didnt even say or wave any goodbye. i hate parting. keeping quiet as i see him walk away. heavy heart.
i sms him straight away when i reach home. we sms till 1 plus in the morning. until i rmb he still have to wake up early the next day. he was sick but i cant do anything. all i can do is to ask him to tk care.
somehow i did cry. i hate myself so much for treating andy in an unfair way. i hate myself for falling in love so easily. when i was thinking of these affairs of the heart tears jus flow down my cheek.
how does it feels when the person you love couldnt be with you, when he told you tt he love his gf alot and tt his gf can no longer find someone who loves her as much as he do. i envied his gf. everything he does seems so sweet, no wonder long distance r/s works for them. all i can do is pretend tt everything is in a dream, never heard of it, nth at all. pretend to smile, pretend to be normal. it's so hard. it's even worse when im sch. i wanted so much to cry, because i miss him so much. i wanted everything. but i realise that it can never belong to me.
i enjoy chatting over the phone, sms-ing with him. i dunno why. call me silly. wadever you ppl are gonna name it. i dun care. tonight im going to slp early, instructed by him. =)
ching kelly n pearly, thanks so much for listening to me rant the past few days. without u ppl i think i'll go crazy. although it's very hard to erase him off my mind, i'll try, i'll try my best to focus in class and try not to think of him.
guilt.
conscience.
11:45 PM
