Saturday, June 10, 2006
so wad's the point of being together when i cant even call u. ok, maybe u're right, i called u too many times today, until u r feeling so pek chek. i knew all along u wanted out. u call the shots. i cant be bothered abt our relationship anymore. too tired.
i feel like jogging, running, screaming my lungs out. i want someone to talk to, but but but. forget it, i dun need sympathy. anyway all along, lawrence was the only one who's willing to hear me out, self volunteer to call me and ask me wad actually happen, be there to encourage me, to cheer me on, initiate to meet up jus to make me feel better. thanks loads.
somehow im feeling so numb by everything u did. ur scolding, ur screaming at me over the phone doesnt seems anything strange anymore because u were merely doing tt everyday. everytime u make it sounds like my fault and in the end, u said it was ur fault because u
pretended u do not wan to blame me. in another words, let me interpret it, u sounded as if it was my fault -> because u dun wanna be blame for it, u think u r right. in the end u said it was ur fault-> so tt everything will sound as if im the cause of it, and u r suffering hard.
get it?
you said i've diaries to vent on, i've frens to talk to.
ah quan ur colleague said u r very lucky. yes we appear to be happy, sweet couple. deep down we werent. u knew it. u said it urself. thanks, really thanks for being so frank with me. so this 1 year was a waste.
somehow i feel tt i deserve better. i deserve guys who dotes on me, i deserve guys who is willing to sacrifice for me, someone who's willing to even die for me. someone who's able to accept who i am, someone who wun scold me. i deserve better. being together with u is actually a torture. lawrence told me, 'u r able to tolerate till this extend, very gd already'.
haa, didnt noe my entries are so emo.
i wanted to visit granny. i miss her so much. she's always dere to counsel me, michelle (my uncle's gf) and my aunt. they are always dere. i knew.
in the first place, i should have listen to dad, to mom, to uncle, to all my family members. he isnt my type. dad said i will have to suffer being with him. i deserve better. i noe. my family can give me everything, pay for my expenses, dotes on me as if im a princess. to them, they looked down on him because his dad and mom are currently jobless. his salary is only 1/3 of my dad's, my maternal family own many business. my aunt runs her own business. they knew i will have to wor extra hard if one day we were to get married. they knew i have to pay for the whole wedding, base on his current savings. everything. i know they dun wan me to suffer.
somehow one day their wish will be granted.
i feel so emotionally drained. so tired. so tired of everything ard me. cant call out, cant go out, cant
stay at home. it's boring me to death. i need space, i wan my freedom. sometimes when i thought abt my freedom when im single, i yearn for wad i once own. i knew i can make decisions, but i've said already, i want to hear the
break from him. i dun wanna be the bitch who dumps guys one after another.
im going out no matter wad. even if im alone. i wan a space to breathe. to spend more money on clothes. i dun wanna save anymore. it's no longer impt. even till the extend where i have to starve myself, i dun care because it's gss. haha.
im signing off.
3:34 PM
