Saturday, April 14, 2012
im rrly fucking tired of all these lies.
u shld have fucking known me for 1 yr plus. i hate empty promises. and I'm sure this is not the first time u know.
and the best part is... i've totally lost interest in many things. in relationship, in work and every other personal stuff. i dun talk to my parents either because first of all, they dun understand me, they dunno what i rrly want in life.
what about jackie lim?
you were with me 24/7, how well do u exactly know me??
u know nth at all. shame on u. fuck u!
i will nvr even bother to spend a second thoughts on spending my next half of the life with someone who is so fucking not trustworthy!
a waste of my time, a waste of my everything!
2:37 AM
Saturday, July 30, 2011
very very hurt... T.T
I've been trying very very hard to avoid penning my feelings here. but somehow there's no way to avoid when every thing starts to screw up. i really dunno what he wants anymore. whatever thing i do, i say, will provoke him eventually. sometimes i really wants to shut up and dun give a damn anymore. but it will be very awkward when a chirpy, noisy person starts to quiet down. i dun wan him to feel the difference in me. i dun wan him to question me. and end up, i chose to remain noisy and now offended him tonnes of times.
Many times, i wanted to give up.
I tell myself not to want anything.
Not him,
Not love,
Nothing at all...
Deep down i cried so hard.
We both wanted sth out of this relationship, at least for me.
But things just dun seems to work out well for us.
You know when you started crying, and all the flashback starts appearing...at your lowest point in life, you wanted to give up every single thing u once own. but when you realise you cannot bear to let go yet you dun wan to feel hurt anymore...
People tell me: try talking to him. if both dun talk, both avoid the topic, things is not going to work out well, and den...
YES I DID...but i failed! ended up he kept drinking and drinking...got drunk and it makes me terrible again.
Issue still remains.
Unsolved.
When you tries to hide every thing. from your family to your friends. you refuse to tell them tt some prob have arise. you thought u can settle them yourself. you thought u r old enough to settle everything. but the fact is, everything screwed up.
I really dunno how to stop my tears.
Dunno how to stop my heart from beating for him.
I just hope i can go back to 5 mths back, when we haven even started.
Things wun be complicated as it is now.
We can still be good friends.
But it's too late...
T.T...
11:16 PM
Sunday, June 19, 2011
我好累。。。
也许是我对这段感情一点信心也没有。。。还是你的过去，不断的折磨我。。。我真的过的好累！每天告诉自己，没事的，心里却知道你还是爱着他的！
如果你还爱他，就去吧。。。我放你走，我不想折磨你！
10:53 PM
Monday, May 30, 2011
i just dun understand wad parents are thinking nowadays. i know we cant choose who our parents is, but...at least we need a parent who can understand our needs, routine n stuff!
im not trying to kick up a big fuss abt everything, but i think it's ridiculous for one to go overseas and expect their child to pay for part of the trip because afterall, u urself knows the great expenses ur child have to spend on his daily life, monthly expenses, annual payment.
if u r not working, FINE! but problem is, u r!
whatever shit stuff this particular child of urs does, u nv appreciate! so wad's the point? work like fuck, work like hell, and all u think of is, ask for money! 你看了不心痛我都心痛！everyday have to face so many difficult ppl, and then need to pay for this and that! oh fuck! there goes ur child's future! dun even bother to rush ppl into marriage, buying hses and stuff! NO MONEY OK!
and because of NO MONEY! i was forced to go to the doctor! THANK YOU!!
so much so...i lost trust in every single fuck shit, i lost trust in r/s and worse of all, i cant forgive and forget!
so much for the happy ending~
11:42 PM
Saturday, April 30, 2011
tired tired tired...
im really f''ing tired of everything... i dunno who to talk to!
9:34 AM
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
yes, i guess i really wasnt myself afterall... T.T
somehow i spent half my day dreaming at work when it's my freaky PEAK period, i stammered on the phone with clients which resulted in me avoiding many phone calls tt have to be made...
what's wrong what's wrong??
im tired half the day, i dunno what im doing most of the time, and i used vulgarity... WORST of all, i completely lost my passion in work... =(
no incentives = no motivation = low performance...
i guess i rrly need some time away from every single one...
11:15 PM
Monday, April 04, 2011
i seriously need to take a break... sometimes i really dun feel like talking, it seems more like i am hiding some things from him, and worse still, i dunno what im trying to avoid... i refuse to admit the fact tt sth is not right, but i just feel like hiding.... i need a space to cry, i need a space to let time reveal my true self, my thoughts... yet i couldnt find a place to do so... at times i really hate myself...i hate my temper but... i just cant control myself anymore... tears can just flow, sometimes its really angry tears... i know i have been treating my colleague like shit, but still i tried controlling alr. yet she just nv fail to make me vent all over again... i just wished things didnt change tt drastically... i missed the old times... i missed my own laughter, i missed the times when there's always someone for me to talk to, to vent my frustration and then hug and tell me everything will be okay... is everything moving too fast?? shall we pause just for the moment??? yearning for someone for me to rely on... things will nv be the same... if only i get to spend as much time with my frens... i guess i can still be back to normal... i wish...i wish...
10:37 PM
Monday, March 21, 2011
i jus dun feel like talking...
am i starting to get emo or what?? i really dunno...
im starting to feel confused again...
wo zhen de kai xin ma??
11:52 PM
Monday, March 07, 2011
i broke free...it's been some time already... it's still frens tt keep me going..i realise i was really silly to hang on... all along he doesn't know how to treasure me... and after 2 1/2 mths of struggling, i finally decided to leave... because i know it's getting no where...
i used to follow my heart when it comes to love, i tell myself to follow my heart, as long as i love him one day, i will nv give up on him...but as time goes by, i realise i cant. mum was very much against us being tgt after learning to know tt he gambles and stuff... what else... i dun wanna upset my parents, i dun wanna upset him till one day i finally understood my mum...
the day i let him go... the day i finally decides that things will nv be the same anymore... even when we hang out tgt, i dun feel like talking, i cant even dote on him the way i did the previous time... i used to think he was the one i wanted...and i was wrong... it's sad to know tt a 2 and a half yr r/s is gone. but im really unhappy. im so sure of his weakness as compared to his strength. as much as i wanted things to be back to normal, i cant.
i knew his mum will hate me for torturing his beloved son, but there's really nth i can do anymore. my heart no longer feels the same. i really cannot understand wad can makes him hurt me so much in the past without feeling the pain. if he really love me, i supposed he wun hurt me tt much. so many tears that flow because of him, so many sleepless night, so many days of suffering w/o food, so many unhappy days. and so...i tell myself, it's time to let go.
the longer things drag, the worse it will become. no matter how the heart overrides the mind, i told myself to stay strong. it was torturing in the beginning, with his colleagues calling me up, accusing me and stuff... but still i told myself nv to turn back again... too many times, i turn back, to get myself hurt once again...
btw, i got into another relationship... but i really dun dare to put in much hope anymore... i was hurt enough! putting in too much will result in more hurt...
but it was also up till nw tt i realise i really canNOT trust guys anymore... the more i wanted to, the worst things will become. the more i wanted to trust, the more circumstances stop me from doing so... i wish i could be more independent...
i just wan to smile... tired from the hurts and crying...
8:49 PM
Sunday, October 17, 2010
can i think properly? i wish i can you know...life's been so bad, i wanted so much to break free. you know why, sometimes i really hate myself for not being able to be persistent. i wanted myself to get out of this r/s, but i cant. i love him too much, until i really dunno how to love myself more. in the past, i nv once treasured any relationship, to me, nth is impt except loving myself. i love myself more, respect myself more. but when i met him, when we were together, dignity, ego is no longer as impt as being with him.
tell me, is this love?
i know im hurting myself, yet i chose to hurt myself. i know deep down im not happy, but i still insist. why cant we show basic respect? why cant he show me basic respect. why must things always end up in such ugly state when everyone is watching us quarrel? cant u even save me some face? and why should i give u face?
should i really let go? can i bring myself to do it? 2 yrs plus...it's now or never. the longer things drag, the more hurt i'll feel.
i dun like to spout nonsence, not on fb, not to your friends and colleague. but many times u make me so angry tt i dun have anyone to turn to, and so asking ur friends and colleague to talk to you is the only choice. and the only thing they can say is to ask me to talk to you, to ask me to leave you etc.
i don't like your fiery temper, i don't like it when u are unhappy, i'll have to get out of ur vision, please, spare a thought. no matter how angry i gets, i dun use such words on you. have u ever wonder why no matter how good my temper is, in the end i am still the one being chased away by you.
对你再好，你也不会明白！对你再疼爱，结局还是一样！
你宁愿我打去也不肯打来，你要的是面子，而我呢？难道我就不能拥有面子，难道我就连一点尊重都不能有吗？
难道最后的疼爱也只能选择手放开吗？
1:13 PM
Friday, July 23, 2010
i guess im really tired....我真的很累。。。因为太爱，我累了。。。
10:03 PM
Sunday, July 04, 2010
我没有错。。。我不应该这样承认下去了。。。。没有瞒过他什么，所以我觉得我这次没有做错。。。如果就因为他的幼稚心态，那我宁愿选择不要再挽回了。。。我做了太多东西，伤害了自己太多了。。。我没有学会爱过自己。。。我曾把你当作我的一切，现在既然你都已经不像要在一起了，什么话都不用说了，我不会回头，也不会逼你了。。。
以前的我，什么都是自己扛。。。不是我的错，我都要说是我的错，承认一些我没有做过的事。。。是时候我疼爱自己了。。。对不起，你再也等不到我要挽回的电话。。。我不相信没有人会好好地对待我。。。
放开自己悲观的心，让别人也有机会好好的爱我。。。因为我相信我值得。。。
1:54 PM
Saturday, June 12, 2010
当你不再爱我，当爱你已成为你的负担，当相爱已是一种痛苦，那么，我选择放弃。
放弃你，是因为爱你。因为爱你，所以不愿看见你不快乐；因为爱你，所以不愿看著你强忍内心的挣扎；
因为爱你，所以不愿看见你勉强的笑容；因为爱你，所以愿意放了你。当爱已成往事，又何必苦苦追寻？强求得不到幸福，强求只能拉大你我的裂痕，只能加深你我的痛楚。
如果你真的想走，我无言，只能任你去。曾经以为你是风筝，我手中握著那根线，无论任你飞向何方，我最终都是你的归属。现在终于明白，其实爱你，就不应该束缚你。
“春花秋月何时了，往事知多少？”往事如风，不如就让它随风而去。当一切成空，惟有回忆伴我。
时间能冲淡一切，包括我爱你的心。不愿意你看见我的眼泪，因为怕你会心软，怕你不开心。因为爱你，所以不会用泪水强留，所以放了你。你的心已远去，我又何苦留下你的人？
虽然我渴望天长地久，但如果那只是一种奢求，那我不如只求曾经拥有。曾经拥有过你的爱，这已足够。
因为有一种爱，叫做放弃。放弃不是无私的奉献。放弃你，这不仅是对你的爱，更是对我自己的呵护。
放弃你，我很痛心，但我不会后悔。让你从我的生命中消失，是因为“长痛不如短痛”。当我容颜尽老、行将就木，我依然不会后悔。
因为曾经爱过你。
因为爱你，所以希望你快乐。
有人说过这个世界不会有永恒的爱情。
你我之间，如果连短暂的爱情也无法存在，不如放开彼此。
爱你，就让你去追寻你的幸福。只要你快乐，我也就快乐。
因为你的一切，我都在意。如果你要离开我，我不会怪你，只能怪我自己，怪自己太爱你。也许是我过分的宠溺让你习惯平静，也许是我过分的放任让你没有责任，也许是我过分的爱怜让你压力重重，也许是爱情她美丽的容颜让你迷失方向。只怪你我有缘无份。
当你想要离去，请别管我，你只需告诉我，你不再爱我，你要走。我一定会让你走，不会乞求你留下，哪怕听见自己心碎的声音。当你离去，请别再回头。
回头是一种错误，回头是对你我的不公。去了，就不要再後悔。
因为爱你，就该放了你。
因为我知道，有一种爱叫做放弃，那是对你最深的爱。
1:18 PM
Thursday, February 11, 2010
been busy...really busy...just finish my conso test in class. plus found out that we actually have foreign exchange homework, but nv do because...no one said so...lol.
anyway luckily we didnt get any scolding from james kwan...
he has been stressing us a lot. giving us hampers for chinese new year...MA together with FR...we knew he put in effort to do it, but time is really running out...i couldnt sleep well every night. i thought im tired, but once i lie down, i seems so awake. sometimes due to circumstances like early lesson the next day, u'll try to force urself to sleep...but...well...
dunno if i should continue giving tuition...not enough time for studies...so wad's the big deal with tt income. haix...but student's mum ask me to teach till i finish my exam and needs to step into the society to work...goodness!
she's not improving and im getting out of patience...sometimes when basic stuff couldnt get into her head, i really feel like hammering her and ask her what exactly is in her head. the refusal to remember things, the attitude of a kindergarden kids will really pissed you off when she's already in primary 4. and when she doesnt seems to appreciate your patience, your effort, you'll just feel like giving up.
12:22 AM
