Sunday, August 31, 2008
baby neglected me again! haix. sometimes i just dun understand why some ppl will rather rebond or colour their hair when ppl is going to knock off. cant they even spare a thought for those hairstylist? like they dun even get OT pay. haix.
it's already 10.40pm...1 hr 10 mins away from his usual knock off hour.
shit ass is...he didnt even reply my sms.
i'll be away for chalet with fiona isaac alvin waimun vivian and baby! chris will be joining us for bbq together with his gf. although very few ppl but i guess it'll be pretty fun! cause we are going to OCH!!
i cant wait to meet baby tml!! didnt get to see him for 2 days. so near yet so far! sobx.
10:40 PM
Saturday, August 30, 2008
it's getting frustrating. i dunno how to describe the anger that was within me. really really frustrated. really really hate 'it' to the core.
i miss baby so much. didnt manage to send as many sms as normal days. because today i slept from 11.30 to 2.30. he called me when he's buying lunch but i told him im sleeping. afterwhich i guess he's busy rebonding for customer and dying hair for them. got not much time to sms me.
i did hint mum abt me and him. not much not obvious enough but this needs time. in order to make them believe he's not as bad as they think. haha. hope my hint does help.
going granny hse tml. hoping to see baby en en! hahaha. my fav cousin. i love the way she throw her temper. (like me), i love the way she cry when guys carry her. the way she make pig face. so cute!
all the photos are taken some time back.
baby en en!
baby and me!
5:21 PM
Friday, August 29, 2008
just came back from baby's house. hahaha. yes im out of the country again! lol.
his mum and eldest sis saw me. so paiseh. they invited me over for his sis's wedding. i dunno how to turn them down! if im going to attend what excuse should i give this time? tt will be a 2 days 2 night stay already.
on the way there have a lil tiff with baby. but it's still because of my pek-chek-ness. haha. everything is okay le!
alright shall end here. waiting for him to finish his bath so we can chat on the phone.
cheers!
10:28 PM
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
明明说爱，却选择放弃！心里的痛有谁知？我不是机器人！我不能满足每个人，更不能给你快乐！你和我在一起，真得很开心吗？我感觉不到！
你不理我，也有你自己的理由！我明白！我不会怪你！
都是我的错。从头到尾都是我的错。我太野蛮，太任性！我们根本都不适合！
朋友说的对，应该担心病情的是我，而不是别人。我也不知道为什么装着什么事都没发生过！害怕又能向谁倾诉？我说过了，病人的害怕，是没有人能够理解的！面对事实的人是我，到最后还是自己扛！这三年来我守住了这个秘密，不让家里人知道，为的是不要让他们担心！知道了又有什么用？我没有去治疗，不代表我不注重自己的生命！而病是一而再，再而三的出现！有什么用？
生活只不过是 1）生出来，2）努力读书，3）赚钱 4）谈恋爱 5）结婚生孩子 6）老了等死
就是这样！
我感受不到活着的意义！真的很累！
10:04 PM
又流血了。。。比昨天多了！不是月经！还没去看医生！
既然都赶我走了，我想也没有必要再回去了！离开时的心真的很痛！忍着泪告诉自己不要哭！不能哭！哭的话就是乌龟王八！已经没有我留住的余地！我走了！
我知道一切都是我不好！对不起！
不想伤害你，不想让你操心！不能那么自私！我和一个废人没有两样，我已经做好心里准备自己一个人过我的下半辈子了！
也不要因为我而没有回家看你母亲！母亲只有一个，女朋友却可以有很多个！不要因为我不能陪你回去而你不回！
我祝你永远快乐！
5:52 PM
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
this morning...i see real fresh blood.
my first thought is...period! irregular period! i placed sanitary napkins. but...the next few hours, no blood come out! since last night, my lower body starts to hurt. till i have to stay in bed. even when baby came to look at me opposite my block, i was reluctant to get out of bed.
i couldnt sleep well! waking up in the middle of the night, first to pee, next i dunno what i did. but the next day i find my eyes getting worse. haha.
may be getting a full body check up if i have the time. i cant imagine living with 1 kidney. OMG! haha. at this time i can still laugh.
i dun wan to leave baby alone in this world. he means too much to me.
anyway baby rebonded my hair for me..the front part only plus my fringe. it's super ugly now because my fringe is so short!
life is just so fragile. i'll learn to cherish u. no matter what.
8:28 PM
Monday, August 25, 2008
i...really dunno what is wrong! i dun dare to consult a doctor. who isnt afraid of dying? who isnt afraid of facing the reality? but who can i turn to if i really have problem?
i blogged in opendiary. one of the readers said bleeding during urination could means tt i have UTI. what exactly is that?
A urinary tract infection (UTI) is a bacterial
infection that affects any part of the
urinary tract. Although
urine contains a variety of fluids, salts, and waste products, it usually does not have bacteria in it.
[1] When bacteria get into the
bladder or
kidney and multiply in the urine, they cause a UTI. The most common type of UTI is a bladder infection which is also often called
cystitis. Another kind of UTI is a kidney infection, known as
pyelonephritis, and is much more serious. Although they cause discomfort, urinary tract infections can usually be quickly and easily treated when the patient sees a doctor promptly.
In
medicine, hematuria (or "haematuria") is the presence of
red blood cells (erythrocytes) in the
urine. It can be a
sign that there is a
kidney stone or a
tumor in the
ureter,
urinary bladder,
prostate, or
urethra.
kidneys and the
urinary tract, ranging from trivial to lethal. If
white blood cells are found in addition to red blood cells, then it is a signal of urinary tract infection.
i know. i knew all abt the stone thing! when my aunt gradually massage my feet, she did warn me abt kidney stone. not sth i want. not something i can face up to. who should i look for? my parents? highly impossible. why would i say so?
from young, i dun confide in them. i confide in myself. i trust only myself. only i know the secrets of my own life. my parents arent understanding. they dunno abt anything. their best achievements is scolding us! whatever thing tt happens, it's always the 'wrong-doings' in us.
although im attached, i dun really lik to confide in my boyfriend. this will only make him worry. and him pushing me to visit the doctor. like i said, i cant face the reality. consulting a doc will means that i have to listen to what the doctor will say. meaning to face what is wrong with my body!
没有一个正常人会了解一个病人最怕的是什么！知道了又怎样？可以怎样？哭吗? 自杀吗？害怕是什么，你们知道吗？当你不知道你应该做哪个选择，你会怎样？不知道明天是生是死！不知道要怎样面对！我宁愿什么都不知道！就这样开开心心的过！
不了解！谁都不会了解！
1:19 PM
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
i almost got a heart attack today. i opened up my starhub handphone bill letter and what that shocked me was the outstanding $102.16. what's more....outgoing calls exceeding 300 mins, in fact was 462mins....deducting away the 100mins free outgoing calls. smses exceeding 700. with only 500 free sms....grrr....
i dunno how im going to tell my dad. but im definately paying these myself. i jobless kid having to pay for her own handphone bill. haix.
i guess im really in need of jobs. i cant go on lidat. it's definately not the lifestyle i wanna lead.
this time i really have to get use to using house phone.
i feel like dying!!!!
9:15 AM
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
i went swimming complex with isaac fiona and waimun. it's so fun! the only swimmers available is waimun and isaac. me and fiona are water idiots but she's much better than me! hahaha.
maybe this is fate. they bring some ppl apart and bring some together. =)
anyway chalet's on 1st sept together with this bunch of friends again! haha. im so excited!
i went to apply for PDL. thanks fiona for accompanying me. am glad tt she passed her basic theory.
after playing with water ytd, i met up with baby. so happy to see him. but he said i look so weak. without make up and ya i know. i was down with flu. i look super tired. haha. it's all because of u baby!
sch's fine. sitting with mabel yufeng and fiona during lesson. pearly kaishi and liqi was also in the same lec theatre but i dunno why i didnt sit with them. maybe because for the past 2 lesson i met fiona in the bus so must well sit with her. haha.
alright shall end here. =)
7:00 PM
Monday, August 18, 2008
星期六和星期天都在外婆家！我的三姨帮我推脚低！也知道了一些我身体的状况！现在在改变饮食的习惯！
也探听到我三姨丈的生意倒了！痛苦的还是我的三姨！虽然我非常不喜欢我的三姨丈可是还是为他们可怜！过了太久的有钱人的生活现在却回到原点！我从来都没有跟我三姨的孩子说话因为我觉得他们很高傲！看不起人！可是前天回去我发现我表妹一直偷看我，可是我还是没有跟他说话！
出入都塞了接近一个小时多！不过还好啦！我的堂妹昨天庆祝1岁的生日！所以和我的叔叔一起回来新加坡！
他昨晚回家也就是回马来西亚！通了一下电话！有点不舒服！过不久就睡着了！喉咙很辛苦又伤风！没错的话他应该是明天才回来！因为他到现在都还没起床！我也不需要求他早点回来因为其实我知道他不想！血仍然比水厚！(blood is thicker than water) 却还是皮痒！去要求！不过已经做好心理准备！他那里可能会为了我而赶回来呢！我又不是什么人！是我想太多了！哈哈!
我爸也被调班了！也不知道要怎样生活！根本就不够花！从四头掉到一头！其实我心里很难受！也不懂怎样表达出来！还好屋子汽车都还清了！以前我还嫌我爸笨，很少人会要把车期在一年内还清！还好，真的还好！
等一下和朋友去游泳！晒一下太阳，希望能放松心情！
从明天起就不能一直出去，要帮我妈妈顾孩子！
9:04 AM
Sunday, August 10, 2008
我又弄他生气了！突然发觉自己很烂！除了弄他生气，我什么都做不到！经常问自己：他跟我在一起真得开心吗？
我说了，我很讨厌我自己！从来都不会去珍惜一段感情。等到失去才来后悔！
我想我应该是世界上最烂的女友！
7:17 PM
Saturday, August 09, 2008
对不起！出口太重了！我知道我应该学会体谅你，毕竟是在做工！不是出去玩！我会试着看开，会试着不要去想那么多！
昨晚等你打来，却等不到！我以为你放弃了！
早上打了电话叫你起床！其实我犹豫了很久，又怕你起不来！当你听了电话，我又不知道该说什么，只好挂电话！过不久你就打来了！很开心又能听得到你的声音！当时好希望你在我面前，这样我才可以抱着你，告诉你：‘宝贝我爱你！’
真的不可以这样对你！你经常这样忍住，我看了也不爽，所以才叫你骂我不然我会过意不去！
好了，去看戏了！
3:16 PM
Friday, August 08, 2008
我很讨厌我自己！
我不知道问题出在那里！身为射手座，我俩似乎在逃避。我很不开心因为原以为回来后就可以看见他，但当我回来时，他却在工作，还问我：有什么事吗？
没事，我根本就没事！
如果你要把我当作你的朋友，不要再打来了！不要说到好想我有事情才找你！因为你，我第一个走！如果你要做工的话告诉我一声！我也不会赶回来的！
也许一切发生得太快了！
我也会因为你减肥！能减就减！大腿我是没有办法减！如果有钱，我一定会去减肥中心减！减肚腩我会尽量控制饮食！最好是避开巧克力！哈！
你说我打错号码了，找错人了，那我永远永远都不会再打给你！
明天将会实行我的减肥计划！我不瘦下来我不性刘！
10:45 PM
Thursday, August 07, 2008
看了九点的戏觉得有点可怕！我也曾因为无法控制自己的心情而乱丢东西，乱扔电话！想起来还真恐怖！如果一天我也变成了神经病，就真的没人要了！
种觉得这段感情很摇滚！好想随时都要做好心理准备，如果一天他真的找到一个很好很好的女人，我真的必须放手！曾这样伤害过别人，就一定要想到后果！不要说不可能，因为如果我能放掉一段三年多的感情，你为何不能呢？爱情就是能让一个人做出一些不可思议的决定！不要说我没信任过你！试过了可是我做不到！
还记得第一次和你信息的时候，对你有那么一点感觉的时候，那种像看见你的时候，我也不知道自己在做什么！不是不要把感情放到完，而是我不敢！就因为曾经那么爱他，就因为太爱，而牺牲了自己，得回的只是被骂，被喊得对待！想起来，可能我真的爱到累了！
我仍然相信我可以一个人生活！我不敢再访百分之百的感情！我知道对你很不公平可是我真的不敢！我们在一起只不过一个月多，还有很多东西等着我去发现！
也曾告诉过你我是一个非常容易吃醋的女人，现在跟女生接触最多的也是你！我知道当初认识你你就是做这个行业，可是我还是无法接受。不要说我我经常发脾气！我不懂得怎样表达，也觉得就算表达了，到最后也是一样的。没有必要！我不想改变你的人生，我宁愿自己不开心！ 宁愿自己胡思乱想！
已经十点多了，他却还没放工。
有点不舒服，想早点睡！
谢谢你听我诉苦！
10:06 PM
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
昨晚心情不是很好！不要问我为什么！我不知道！又来了，一个月不知道有几次！终有一天一定不够血的！哈哈！
明天就要开学了！必须交的东西也还没弄好！出了名的懒惰！
下个星期起就要期待星期五了！好像很久似的！
闷！闷！闷！
好想去找他！
1:50 PM
Saturday, August 02, 2008
今天和宝贝吵架了！也不知道是不是又发小姐脾气还是什么！只知道气到差一点就哭了出来！要不是在公共场所，我像我应该会哭吧！他打了两通电话我都不肯接可是最后还是接了！
在路途中我想了很久，这也是我第一次搭巴士觉得路途很远！其实我自己也有错！管得太多他也不会喜欢的！也许他的老板娘说得没错，我真的不会想！真得很讨厌我自己！我把他弄得很不开心，我觉得我根本就配不上他！甚至想放弃！我怕我会伤害到他！我不想多一个男人为我流泪！
寄了个简讯给他！我也不懂我在说些什么！只知道其实一切都是我的错！只能向他道歉！
我只知道爱上了他，让我更痛恨我自己！我觉得自己真的配不上他！不是我不爱他，而是我不够体谅他！工作上的压力，我无法和他同当！他不开心我也没有安慰他！处了加重他的压力，我还是在加重他的压力！
也许我真的是世上最烂的女朋友！
10:42 PM
