Sunday, June 29, 2008
not on a very happy mood. partly is because my internet is down since tuesday. i cant go online, i cant blog my unhappiness.
being together with him, he did bring me a lot of surprises, showered me with a lot of care and concern tt none of my ex boyfriend did so. i thank him. i love him.
but being a hairdresser, it's not easy for them not to communicate with customer. sometimes i felt jealous tt he's chatting with them etc. i know i cant do tt. i hate myself for being so jealous. im now left with 2 more weeks. to choose him(A), or choose him(B)?
everytime whenever i leave the salon, he'll be very angry very sad. i understand how much he wish i was there but the prob is, i cant. i still have a boyfriend who bothers abt my whereabouts. i took so much risk to lie to my bf and tell him i need to get home early so i can meet him.
we cried together, we hug each other, we kiss each other. but deep down im guilty of these act. i want to make a decision between these 2 guys but i really dunno who i should chose. u cant spent quality time with me. in the end, im still the one picking guys up after their work. who ever pick me up?
im not happy. really not happy. is this the life i should lead? having to give up all my time for the sake of guys?
but the big difference of B is, he's very caring. whenever im at the salon, there'll be pocky, hello panda, potato chips, strepsils, herbal tea. when my skin gets itchy, he bought me anti-itch cream and apply is for me without complains. i appreciate. a plus point for him.
but but but...compared to a 3 yrs relationship.
haix.
10:06 PM
Sunday, June 22, 2008
i hate my mother. i hate her to the extent that sometimes i dun feel like talking to her, sometimes i just feel like treating her as invisible.
i never like unreasonable souls. and worse is, she's one. she can scold and scold non-stop. curse and curse non-stop. tt makes me hate her so much. where on earth can u find a mother who curse ur future, curse ur baby, curse everything u do. by just looking, she doesnt look like someone who will do such thing. but yes, she curse me like fuck. so what's the point. if a comment made by me can make her hate me so much, i really have nth to say. because my comment is just a comment, not some curse, not some hurting words.
no wonder sometimes daddy dun feel like talking to her. i feel tt she's the worse mother on earth. dun say im unfilial. it's because of her actions tt make me think so. take for eg, she can finish up the food i bought, the tidbits, prunes etc. but after she finish eating and when we are out shopping, i ask her to buy it again, she'll give the excuse like it's not nice, it makes her teeth hurt etc etc. it's getting on my nerve. it's not the money issue im referring to. i can do everything for this family but no one will recognise it.
when i eat at home with them, i wash the plates for them. sometimes when i need to study, i'll tell her: 'hey mum, today u wash the plates. i go study already' n den she'll say:'aiya, everytime i wash one, u where got wash before. this hse u also never help any housework'
daddy can be my witness. tt's why on that particular day when she said tt, daddy talk back to her. because she always sees the weak point in one person and neglected the strong points. how i celebrate her mother's day, she never appreciate. my bro's gf bought her a carlo rhino handbag and she's so freaking happy over it. what's the point? yes i know im 'po chu qu de sui' if tt's the way u gonna treat me, den why didnt u abort me when u know im a female and not a baby with dick?
and she's also a control freak a very kpo person. she open up every letter of ours. check everything in our drawer, check every invoice on what we spent and scold us whenever she found a receipt that states hundred over dollars.
privacy, respect. where has it gone to? i really dun feel like coming home. it's more of hell than heaven. i cant talk on the phone. she'll come into my room and ask who im talking to. im already 20. i sure have the rights to have my own privacy. do whatever things i want. i know what im doing. even dealing with two guys. i know what i should and should not do.
alright, back to my love life.
last night both of us cried over the phone. i was actually very very sad. i just want to be with him but i really dunno how to break with my current. i feel very very guilty. his love for me deepens everytime he see me. he felt so 'tong ku' that last night he can no longer hold it and cried over the phone. for tt moment i feel like hugging him. i didnt ask him to give me more time, i just plead with him not to leave me alone. the feeling is like he's gonna leave me, nv to keep in contact with me. he thinks of how hurt my bf will feel, he says he's greedy. he want me to himself only. sometimes when i need to leave he feel so much wanting me to stay but i just cant. i really need to go.
my eyes is still swollen from crying.
i need to go take a bathe and accompany him at the salon soon. heex.
11:10 AM
Thursday, June 19, 2008
i dun care who says it's temporary or what. all i know is i've fallen for him.
ytd he text me and ask if we could meet up after his work. but since my bf is driving, he'll definately send me home, so cannot go and find him. so i called him up immediately when i reach home telling him tt im already home and i wun be going down.
at 10pm, after he close the salon, he came over to the block opposite mine, and den he ask me which floor im staying at. just to catch a glimpse of me.
i went back to re-do my hair. because i wasnt really satisfied. after re-doing, since his boss is ard, i went off first. after like 5 mins he called me and ask if im hungry and if i wan any stuff. he lied saying tt he's waiting for bus, fact is he's at the blk opposite mine. and he even took the effort of climbing to 11th storey and den move on to another 'column' just to get a better view.
i like the way he disturb my hair and call me 'sha gua'
i like the way he play with my ears.
i like the way he cover me with the salon so called 'blanket' when i was sleeping at the hair washing zone.
i like the way he stammered when he tries to speak his heart.
but i dun like him getting upset because he knew there's no chance.
i wanted to give him hope, but yet i dun have the courage to walk out of my current relationship.
sometimes i want to hold onto him to tell him; actually i like u too.
sometimes his smile is so dashing tt i feel like giving him a peck on the cheek.
yet we both knew 'shi bu ke neng de'
i have to really thank him for liking me. thanks him for pampering me so much. thank him for all the things he's done so far.
he even know tt loving me will bring pain to himself, but yet he can still unconditionally care and love me. a guy who's willing to walk all the way to lakeside mrt station just because he wants to chat with me (cause in the bus, its kinda noisy). a guy who blames only himself when im tired cause we were both chatting together till wee hours. a guy who confess tt it breaks his heart to see me sleep in the salon.
i just keep thinking of him. but i know there's no more excuse for me to go back to the salon.
我不会辜负你对我的爱，因为在那时刻我也已经渐渐的爱上了你。
11:39 PM
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
i had my hair washed at the salon. result still not tt good. xiaogang said if im not satisfied he'll do the ends for me again. haha. and by the way it's getting funnier. while he was washing my hair, my scalp keeps getting itchy. so he keeps having to change from one place to another. and when it comes to massaging, tt's the end of my life. hahaha. i keep fidgeting and den he gave up. instead he massage my brain and my back.
didnt have any proper meals today except for breakfast. in fact i skipped my dinner.
sometimes i dunno if i should say things out or should i just keep it within. i dun like it when ppl pour cold water on me, and den keep thinking tt i did this for 'him' etc etc. i know some things is just temporary but sometimes it's exciting.
we chatted on the phone for a while. during lunch time and after he knock off.
whatever things tt is going to turn out, i'll leave to fate to decide. and for the time being, whatever conversation shared between us will be a secret, will always be.
11:36 PM
Saturday, June 14, 2008
i went to rebond my hair again. the hairstylist is so funny. he keeps on making me laugh and den suddenly he confess sth to me. like omg, i got a shiok. nvm abt that but he keeps complaining abt my white hair. he already tried to cut away those that can be seen. anyway he kept me there for near to 5.5 hrs. lol.
quarrel with him.
i dunno what to say. life's getting boring. hanging out together seems like....i dunno how to describe. im not happy.
i miss xiao fei zhu. my cousin!!! oh my. i feel like carrying her and kissing her. hee.
10:13 PM
Thursday, June 12, 2008
i took leave today just to go to SIM for a few hours of talk. stupid right? nvm, luckily we make it fruitful by watching kungfu panda. it's damn cute. omg. so touching too.
ran out halfway during the talk. it's BORING and i nearly fell asleep. because it was to lengthy.
went to jurong point with fiona. wanted to get my mask but then no stock le. wth. no choice i got some lousy mask at sasa. and foundation and eye contour serum. today damage in sasa is....48bucks. hahaha.
on the way home saw my hairstylist. ask him abt the price of my hair, and it's still 120. so stiff. hmmm... will be going down this saturday.
going to sleep soon. my eyes is so tired.
10:47 PM
Sunday, June 08, 2008
how would you feel if someone cheated on you. like in order to get ur no., they lied to you.
okay it happened to me on saturday. i went to giant to get some cereals and milk and after paying they lead me to the place whereby i can exchange the vouchers for free pen. so since i've rejected them twice previously, i went over there. he happily pass me 2 pens, and den ask me to write down my name and contact no. and so i thought tt was compulsory.
a few mins later, i received an sms from an unknown no. and he claims tt he wants to be my friend. den i ask him who exactly is him. and so he confessed. and i just said to him directly,: 'so there's no need to ask for contact and name right?'
it's really irritating meeting such person. and den i said to him to be more direct next time (because if he's direct, i wun give already. hahahaha).
ya, and he keeps on haolianing to me saying go spinning or what during midnight. siao lo. like u dun need to sleep but i need to sleep. 7 lao 8 shi still wanna kao girls. time to wake up.
anyway custom jam like mad. had a hard time squeezing thru. too many cars at 2nd link.
going to sleep soon. night.
11:04 PM
Friday, June 06, 2008
i dunno whether i should b feeling happy or sad. but i really have to thank him for telling me the truth after 3 years or nearly three years.
you told me how much u hate me. (u r the first boyfriend who said that to me)
you told me whether we are married or not does not make a difference (thanks for tarnishing my dreams)
you said im as stupid as a pig (thanks for saying im a pig, at least i gain some respect by malays)
and i told you : 'let's break'
thru out all these 3 yrs, thanks for spending so much of your time on me. im sorry for bringing u such a burden.
and it's only after 3 yrs that i realise a friend that know u less than 6 months is closer to you than me. u prefer to speak to him, u prefer to meet him, u prefer to spent ur weekends with him, u rather meet me lesser and accompany him.
all the while i was wrong. out of so many i choose u because i thought u are someone faithful. i thought i can entrust my entire life to you. yet im wrong. i was wrong. all along. im stupid such a dumb ass.
i guess it's time i continue my own life. without you, it'll definately be better.
9:27 PM
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
i simply dunno. is there a need to get the mobile number? as in chatting in msn and replying messages in tag is not enough? sorry, im only willing to give ppl my no. if i think i know the person well, and the person will not disturb me.
trying again and again doesnt mean i'll give up and give u the no. i dun have so many free time to sms and i hate to sms. because my fingers will be very tiring.
anyway we wasnt on a very good term. meaning, we quarrel almost everyday. except in front of his friend. i dunno why but sometimes i just cant help but feel that he's been neglecting me. he dun call me as often but he expect me to call him. but i just don't want. it's either he will ask me to wait or he will sound pek chek thru the phone. what's the point of calling right?
i've been asking him to quit smoking. 3 yrs already. for 3 yrs, he ignored my advise. he scolded me whenever i ask him to quit smoking. he ask me to mind my own business. im too tired to talk to him abt it.
i really really feel like ending this relationship. the fact is im tired and my feelings have changed. not because of other guys entering my life but im just mainly tired from being with him. because he was too da nan ren. he expect me to follow his instruction. want means want. no means no. i not someone who does that.
somehow i might leave silently. i know i shouldnt do that but tt's the only way to end it all.
maths paper was okay today. abit tough. it always happen when there's a bunch of dragon kids taking the paper.
或许彼此不懂得爱，也可能不懂得珍惜。可能没曾失去我，你懂得珍惜。我希望你能找到你的幸福。我不可能陪伴着你过你的一生因为我们都有自己的性格。不能互相忍让。对不起，害你浪费了三年。
我会好好过。
7:33 PM
Sunday, June 01, 2008
every now and then, whenever he talk abt the issue of being terrence brother during his wedding, it just simply turn me off. and when i said no, he'll say he'll bring me along. but the prob is that who will bring the gf along? stupid ppl den will lo.
it's not the matter of brothership, it's because this fucker has been together with me before. i knew him too well. it's like after we broke up after tt stupid fling, he keeps wanting to intro other girls to him. and so i told him, fine, since you wanted to know them, den go ahead. i can do without you.
i know being together is build up base on trust. it's not tt i dun trust him. ppl who know me will know how many times he lied. and i caught him red handed. how many times did i forgave him? too many to mention. sometimes i will ask myself why? why forgave him when i knew i cannot take such lie. how many times have i told him i hate ppl lying. but he just cant help but lie and lie non stop.
i dunno what is stopping me from breaking. dun ask me either. maybe this is what i qian him in the past and now i have to return him back. who likes to be yelled at for no reason. which girl can coax a guy when he's freaking in his fucking hot temper? which girl is willing to wash such a dirty toilet without complain. which girl is willing to pick up her bf after work when she herself is also tired. which girl can stand it when the guy threw his temper on the phone right in front of his friend. who can stand the humiliation?
i dun want either. it's not like i didnt talk to him abt it. at the end of the conversation, he'll still blame it on me. and he said he needs freedom. how am i going to give him freedom after so many lies. after going clubbing without me knowing and still trying to deny everything. even when pictures was right in front of him, he still choose to deny. when i told my parents, they wanted me to leave him. but i just cant.
i spent every night crying and trying to make myself forgive him. even the thoughts of suicide trash into my mind. but i told myself, it's not worth it.
im fine with him hanging out with this bunch of new friends. they are much better than terrence. i swear.
i think i need to learn how to trust. and accept the fact that all along, im in the wrong.
im sorry but my heart still hurts. and yet to speak the truth, i still like terrence. even though it's been 2 yrs since we last broke.
11:41 PM
