Wednesday, October 31, 2007
i just feel like slapping everything that comes to my sight. the more i think, the more angry i gets. I DUN TRUST HIM ANYMORE!!!
fuck to those guys. i tell you, if this r/s is not going to turn out well, den im really gonna say GOODBYE TO ALL GUYS.
if guys can be trusted, the pigs can fly.
u know y i wanna say goodbye to all guys? because no guys can be trusted. i've trusted the wrong guy at the very beginning, make a very big mistk and now i realise i cant live without him. i cant live without him that's the reason why i cant just break up with him. no u ppl know the reason why whenever i announce break, i still get back to him.
now u know my reason.
there's 3 things i hate when my guy did. firstly is by looking at other girls boobs. secondly is by looking at other girls. and lastly is showing concern for other girls and paying lil attention to me.
the thought of it just irk me.
how many times hav u lied. i keep quiet. i try not to let it bother me. but god is fair. he lets me know everything. even when u got away with lying, the truth will surface. but when u are fucking caugh red handed, please admit.
i wan someone honest. not someone who lies n lies and thought that u can get over with it. u know, i can always do the same.
till now that ive decided to turn over a new leaf by nt two-timing, u just plain lucky. but if one day u happen to be unlucky, dun blame me. because one day when i decides to leave u, means i've tolerated ur nonsense. enough is enough. i've my limits. u can lie, but dun lie too much.
i've since decided to open up. and stop ignoring ppl in msn. because i know it's rude. fancy closing down their screen when they said hi.
it all happens because u started it first.
im sorry again.
thanks to ur mum n sis who got me a bag and t-shirt. i save on bag. =)
off to study for mst.
bb.
10:40 PM
i've never ever met such a rude bride.
anyway her body size seriously doesnt fit her face. im not being rude here and criticising ppl who's bigger in size, but because she just pissed me off la. and den when i look up, i realise oh NO...her freaking face really doesnt suit the whole body and overall, it sucks big time. she got a big boobs but so what...her face is like not very big, but her body is gigantic.
and what's more...she's rude. bloody fucking rude la. which bride on earth will wanna spoil their own wedding but she did. no im going to destroy for her. hahaha.
and i tell u i'll nv ever shake her hand. even if i got married with my current boyfriend and i have to invite them, i tell u i'll just look away and skip her.
i dun usually treat ppl lidat but then when it comes to taking revenge, ppl who once provoke me will nv get to escape.
just on that particular day i really feel like going up and use my heels to step on her bloody legs. damn it. and worse is, she's the ugliest bride i've ever since.
who cares....
i do believe in karma, but SO WHAT AGAIN....im just doing things that will make me feel better.
alright, talking abt marriage...i wanted to marry early, so that i'll get to spend precious time with the one i love and den start a small family after a few years. but judging from the life in s'pore it's hard you know.
just take for example, if i were to con't studying in ACCA, it's take like 2 yrs or what. spending my parents money again. like their hard-earn money. see liao also heart-pain. and den i have to look for a job. and when im financially stable, get a car or what, i'll be like an old lady already.
if i were to work straightaway after poly, den i'll have to suffer low income. and expenses covering up my income and den really really no money to buy this buy that. and den how to get married??? everything for marriage is so ex. or maybe i can work for ritz carlton, and den see whether they wanna sponsor my wedding. wahahaha....
im dreaming obviously.
but since my bro used to work in ritz carlton and his gf is currently a staff in ritz carlton, why not ar? every friday night my bro go pick his gf can also pick me. hmmm...can consider....
wahahaha....no la, crazy. im not asking for any sponsor and i dunno what my future holds. i dare not imgine graduating. please please. i just hope to be a 17 yr old girl. dun wan 16 cause now having o lvl. hahaha.
i want money tree.
a bottle of yakult and cocoa layer cake to satisfy my stomach at this hour.
imagine growing from 44 kg to 50 kg....in 3 mths time. wahahaha...dun wan...later like tt ugly bride. wahaha.
ok, off i go. bb.
12:37 AM
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
im here to apologise...to my dearest boyfriend.
im so sorry, i cant accept the fact. until now, i still cant. many times the thought just came back into my mind. im sorry again because i told myself from now on, whatever u says carries a 90% of lies. im sorry.
i've wept enough for u.
today u said...'i know u one, we've been together for so long. because u scared the rice cant fill my stomach, that's why u rather starve urself and let me have the leftover'
yes, it's true that sometimes when i see him finishing his food and im still left with a lot, i'll pass him my food. and the amt of food didnt fill my stomach. im glad he knows i starve myelf because im afraid he's hungry. but there's still so much for him to discover.
sometimes when i think back, i realise there's a lot of things tt when he thinks of it, i thinks of it too.
this issue has ben pondering me for very long. is he having another girl. because whenever we goes to SPC to top up petrol, the receipt that states last mth spending and current month spending is quite a lot. from what i rmb, it's been some time ever since we top up petrol. besides that, during april, there's this $400 spending on petrol. which i dunno who he top up for.
i wonder where do i exist.
besides those necklace, rings he bought for me, i didnt ask for more. even when im at the very broke end, i never stretch my hands to ask him for more. what rights does another girl has?
is that the way he shows his love for her?
my nick in msn has been very attractive hor....junliang n weijian. these 2 freak approach me at the same time. 1 talks abt my display name (love forever) and another talk abt my personal msg (070605)
im super confused. if i ask him abt it, he'll starts to deny. but if i refuse to confront, then it's the time when i've given up this relationship.
my mind is in a blank.
im very tired but i cant fall aslp.
god, please help me!!! im so tired of this r/s. so fake yet so true. i hate this life!
i went up to his hse to mop the floor, wash his clothes that cant be wash in washing machine, fold clothes that are dried and buy dinner for his dad and sis. i got myself all wet after washing the laundry. dear...this is the maximum i can do. all i can say is, ur family is the luckiest family. i never buy food for my family. because we usually eat out when everyone is home. i nv wash clothes unless my mum is out dating with my dad.
why am i doing all these for u? when u nv recognise it, when u nv appreciate.
im always alone when i need someone to talk to. u were nv there for me.
i rmb u beaking up with me. u said im a very unreasonable girl. u said u r left with no choice even though u dun wan to break. u know it broke my heart? and u sleeping soundly after the break. there's this feeling of ripping u off.
it hurts a lot...doenst matter much to you but means a lot to me.
do u still rmb 070605 00.00. how crazily were u in love with me? and when i said 'yes'...
if only fate can bring us further.
nights.
1:32 AM
Sunday, October 28, 2007
i feel so tired.
i went over his hse. and while he was bathing, i mop the floor. okay, thats what i did la. and den after mopping, i realised i was full of sweat. including my face. imagine with make-up. boo!
nvm abt that. and so i took a bath and off we went to IMM.
we bought a couple ring which will only be collectible 4 weeks later. because he wanted to buy the ring, i cant possibly turn him down. but can u imagine im already wearing a 238$ sk ring, and den now i have to change from the real ring to a fake silver ring. wah!!! how can that be possible!!!
had dinner at subway. i didnt eat much although im very very hungry because the bread was so BIG, my mouth hurts like fuck. and so i eat until half pass to him. and den con't eating cookies because cookies can slowly eat ma. and finally i get to eat my XXL chicken cutlet. yum!!! i know i should be controlling what i eat but too bad la. should be no cold drinks, no heaty stuff, end up heaty stuff plus a big cup of ice lemon tea. shiok la.
and den when i look into the mirror, i realised how big the ulcer is. no wonder i have prob eating...even though my mum cook herbal tea, but then....i cant drink because of mense. when it is going to heal??? i cant wait. i eat so slow nowadays.....i cant brush my teeth like before...not very clean la...my left jaws are tired from doing the job...and it hopes to rest wherever it cans and so i cant eat...orelse it will be tired and my face will be distorted. wahahaha!!!
packed his room. and den home i go.
sitting down here. completed ma quiz and p&c quiz.
there's still more to go.
let's just concentrate on MST. which i hope i can. holiday mood la!!!
11:45 PM
i've never felt so loved before. he's not my bf, not my father n mother but it's frm my brother. seriously. today as i was still putting on my make up etc...he asked me: 'u going out now ar?' and so i said yea. and den he said aiya i drive u out la. u wear until so nice, no chauffeur not nice la. haha. sweet! and den my mother start to nag at him for offering to drive me.
ytd night, before he meets his gf, he asked me if i want to eat anyting. den i said no. and then he said if i want, give him a call. and den ard 1 plus going to 2 am, he called me and ask me again. sweet!
actually i can proudly says that my father and bro loves me alot. i dun deny dat la. even though they seldom show out, i actually knows it.
my mother dun really like me. maybe its because after my existence, my dad turns his attention on me and pay less attention to her. that's why im an eyesore to her all the time.
let's just stop talking abt my family.
more on relationship issue.
ok, like what caleb lye says, this world is unfair. the only fair thing is, everyone have 24 hrs per day.
12.26am, i called him, he said he's at the carpark. and after doing so many things, he still didnt call me, so i thought what happen. and den i called him. he not happy. scold me, and then deny that he isnt scolding. nvm nvm. he demand freedom. he said he hates having to call me all the time. and so he expect me to call him when i go out, when i reach somewhere, when i do this, when i do that. and even when im in the toilet, and i missed his call, he'll even scold me.
and he called my house twice when it's already 1am. SELFISH.
nvm abt that. today i went to his relative wedding dinner. his attention was on his niece, and other girl's boobs. i was feeling very very unwell. he didnt know abt it. period 2nd day, the worse day ever for a girl. my cysts keeps hurting since noon. cant tell anyone but to bear the pain myself. and den during the dinner, things doesnt turn out well. from my stomach to my head, everything seems weird. sth wrong with my blood circulation. shoulder aches, headache, uneasy on the stomach. i dunno what's wrong. things just doesnt turn out fine.
and so because his attention wasnt on me, and he heck care abt me totally, what for i held onto his hand? what for i let him hold me hand? if he took me for his significant partner, he would care for me, not because he wants face and then come and hold my hand.
i told myself in the car, that one fine day, i have to put my heart down and put a pause in this relationship.
just one fine day....
im sorry to say that he's not the ideal man for marriage.
im too tired to say anything. i want to sleep.
i hate ulcers.
12:35 AM
Saturday, October 27, 2007
yea, now i know why i hate all my flings. because they sucks to the core, because they are losers and because they are the worst creatures on earth.
im going to skip my 'better' flings. and jump straight to terrence loo weng meng, the fucking loser who fuck big time and sucks to the core. i dunno why i seriously cant let the matter rest. because u r so good at lying. haa. but dun forget, im clever too. serve you right that u are lready near to ur thirties but too bad. u cant get married because of ur gf. and i tell u, u cant be a good husband. u flirts ard, drink ard even with ur own good friend's fiancee and gf.
u did that just because ur gf is in taiwan. and stupid of me to believe that ur long distance r/s can last. i think betty is really stupid. stupid to know someone like you. who cheated her for dunno how many times. i wonder if i have enough fingers to count on the no. of times u cheat on her.
just because our 'fucking' relationship doesnt work out, just because i says i love ashraff, u decides to led him astray. introduce him to girls, bring him out for drink. call his hse no. etc etc. LOSER. u really are a loser. uncle, 30 yrs old liao, u still dunno how to think. u are far worse than me. for ur info im only 18 going 19. and u, old man, 30 yr old liao. please, think for ur own future. u think what? god always by ur side ar? u wait long long.
seriously i regretted being with u because in the past, in my heart, u r a man who's very sweet, a man who's very nice, a man whom i admired. up to now, in my heart, u are a loser, u are someone who what other guys call, a bastard!, a man whom i looked down on and never even wanna speak to. in my eyes u are also an animal fucker. think abt it urself.
and i would emphasise again....30 year old man!!! ppl ur age are matured enough to think abt their future, ppl ur age will treat brothers like BROTHERS and not mess with their gf or fiancee, PPL UR AGE HAVE ALREADY STOP DOING STUPID THINGS AND YOU!!!! HAHAHAHA....still a sore loser, a childish man, a RETARD AND WILL REMAIN AS A BASTARD THRU'OUT UR ENTRIE LIFE.
after finishing this entry, i felt so relieve. because this is what i wanna tell u. to tell u how sucks u r. i just wish u r no longer alive. i know im bad, but such fucker shouldnt even be alive.
my bf's bro, bro's gf, sis n mum will be flying to thailand at dunno what time. and den again, i'll be their 'maid' for the time-being.
met my bf for lunch. imagine having lunch at 2plus going 3. i was so hungry on my way t meet him. but then when i eat....i gets tired of chewing. because i relied entirely on the teeths on the left. and until dinner, when i really really cnt tolerate the pain of the ulcer...i decided to apply my last resort that is to...put salt over the ulcer. but then...i dun feel the pain, instead i feel the teeth ard there turns numb.
hopefully it will heal by tml.
accidentally cut my fingers. and now i know that playing with a penknife is no fun!!!! because we were snatching the penknife from each other, it just 'slashed' my fingers and den blood started oozing out profusely. i was shocked too. and den he tried to stop the blood by doing whatever he can. hahaha. but before he can place the plaster over the wounds, blood ooze out again. so funny la. hahaha.
ok ok, im a saddist.
i need to sleep.
12:16 AM
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
i didnt purposely ask u to reply etc. dun need. really dun need. all those stupid concern. im just going to let it wonder away. now, i believe friends come and goes. like u were the one asking me abt my bf and i was merely replying. just fuck care next time alright. i dun need such sarcastic remarks. u've nv been in a relationship, u'll nv know how it feels.
c'mon, get a life! if u can handle set-backs, go enter into a r/s and soon u'll realise the pain and hurt i felt weeks ago. damn it!
to still think i consider u as my friend. no no. it's definately i big NO. a person who has nv enter into a relationship will nv know the feeling of hurt and love. i would say a relationship is not sth abt comparing or what but normally ppl like me, will start to compare! even though ppl always says, i know how you feel. actually NO. no one will know exactly how u feel because no one will know the efforts put in. no one sees it. that's what i always tell myself. and worse is ppl only feel the few percentage. not the total amt of how sad u r. furthermore it doesnt cause them any misery.
whatever it is, please please scram. i dun even want to talk to you.
11:58 PM
2 days didnt blog le. was busy with work.
didnt sleep well for the past few days. i keep waking up in the middle of the night. for i dunno what too.
first time sitting in renault megane. 1 word to describe. it's shiok. i love the car. it's so classy inside. it belongs to dear's friend. he's damn rich la. 2 cars, 1 van. one renault megane, hyundai sonata and the van is opel. he stays in hdb flat. imagine buying carpark for 3 vehicles. wah!!! but he's loaded. boss's child. haha. his father stay in landed property. but the sad thing is, he's married. orelse he's a good guy to consider. wahaha.
next week will be elearning week. fast hor. and then after elearning will be mst. that's even faster. hahaha.
i miss eating maggi mee. hahaha. talking abt it only makes me hungry.
ok, shall end here.
bb.
10:05 PM
Sunday, October 21, 2007
seriously i think sth is very wrong with me.
go 1 dinner, buy 1 dress. and now my wardrobe is so full of clothes that i have prob looking for some. i think i really have to change my spending habit if not...i'll be seriously broke.
nth much to update.
very tired.
visited granny just now. she's removing the bandage tml. and she's going to the hospital all by herself tml. if i got no sch, i'll definately accompany her. damn it.
ok la, shall end here.
10:42 PM
Saturday, October 20, 2007
this was what i dreamt last night...
uncle and me:
me: hey, er shu, are u coming to singapore tml?
uncle: see first lo, why?
me: granny fall until lidat why no one tell me? (was gonna cry out liao)
uncle: no la...
me: ok la, nth liao, bb.
uncle: you so depressed how can i hang up?
me: no la, im fine (and then i broke into tears)
and so i woke up from the dream. i also dunno why i dreamt of that. dumb right.
nth much to update.
12:19 PM
Friday, October 19, 2007
my boyfriend was late for meeting me. at first he told me 12 plus, and then tell me 2.30 and then...3.30 den he left his workplace. so after AFA, i took a bus to his place for ard 45min-1 hr, and then waited for another bus to pioneer mall. reach pioneer mall ard 2pm, went up to giant and then chatted with auntie, and then the ppl working there were all looking at me and then i decided i should walk ard because i feel like an alien when ppl stare at me.
walk to laser flaire, and then watson. and then i decided to go up to his place.
so just roaming ard...and i rented a vcd called 'alone', bought 'oregone fresh potato chips' and realised the packet of potato chips we got from tommy yee cost ard $6 plus.
total spent- 6 bucks.
didnt have lunch because it's so late already.
i was a lil piss with my bf when he got home. i was hungry, waiting for him to go for lunch. in the end i didnt get to have lunch, while he got his because i asked his mum to cook maggi mee for him. i waited for him for freaking 1 hr plus with 1 hr roaming ard the same old familiar place and the next few mins were spent walking slowly to his hse, and then change into shorts and then get my butt down to watch 'alone' and then he came back. pause the show. and then did some chores.
he had his lunch and after tt we watch 'alone' all over again.
and now the vcd is with his sis.
and so the opportunity cost is...i didnt get to have lunch with ching, kelly, sze, von and my night partner edmond. hahaha.
im visiting granny tml. she had her arms bandaged. i think she hurt her arms badly. i hope she can recover soon.
that's for now. bb.
11:24 PM
Thursday, October 18, 2007
i hate ppl who interferes in my conversation. be it my friend or anyone else. i also cannot stand ppl who are rude and want ppl to follow what they think is correct.
i'll ensure that 'such' friend is not within my vicinity.
more updates at opendiary.
off to touch up my IAP else kelly gonna scream : 'huili you very free hor!' hahaha.
bb.
9:38 PM
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
i wonder...actually im not very sure of my feelings for him. is it still love or is it because im used to hanging out with him. see...when we've been together for some time, we cant differentiate between love n used to.
so dun ask me. hahaha.
went to pioneer mall straight after sch. chatted with tt auntie again. and finally she shares the same thinking as me. i told her abt what happen last week. and tt's the reason why i love chatting with her.
i dun like ppl to make decision on behalf of me.
alright, there's still some IAP left for me to do. shall go see ching ching...bye.
10:00 PM
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
two things i wanna blog abt...
first thing is: im very happy because i've gotten the mp4.
second thing is: im super broke now. because just now went shopping with ching. bought another 'jumper' sob. and now have to pay for tt mp4.
i think this sem is damn slack la. haha.
seriously i dunno what to blog abt.
so bb for now.
9:00 PM
Monday, October 15, 2007
was intro to facebook by yvonne lee. hahaha. actually i set up facebook a few weeks but because i dunno how to use, i deleted the acc. and since it's so in nowadays, sign up again lo. free registration ma. hahaha.
suppose to be visiting granny today but she went out with my aunt, so i didnt go in the end.
primary sch students damn shiok la, monday dun need go sch, tues-fri is psle marking day. shiok ar. haha.
damn tired. but cannot sleep yet. haha.
she's someone not worth me explaining for. i mean her actions. somehow i feel tt she's so childish when she handles thing. her friend can understand it so well, but she cant la. sometimes i wonder if there's really sth wrong with her. hahaha.
okay...so many projs. iap, csp, psychology....and macc???
yawn!
11:21 PM
Sunday, October 14, 2007
alright...woke up kinda early today. 7.30am to bath. because my father ask me to wake up earlier. hahaha. went for breakfast and then back home. meeting my grp for proj at 10am.
anyway on a random, do anyone believes in retribution? well, i've actually encounter it in just less than 1/2 an hour. u see, this morning, i was scolded for nth by someone whom only i know it la, and so after a while, another person scolded the person that scolded me. know why i said this is retribution? it's because i didnt do anything wrong. and neither did SHE do anything wrong. and so SHE scolded me and HE scolded HER for which none did anything WRONG. i think this is the best gift dear god has given me.
to protect me...hahaha.
although there were times when i will still think of that issue, i seriously hope my bf will not do it again. because of him, i quarrelled badly with my mum.
slept for like 1 hour at dear's hse. so nice sleeping beside him. but then...now how??? cant sleep lehx. backside itchy, slept from 7pm to 8pm. and then...just drank a cup of coffee. shit!
nvm, got the new dunno what facebook to entertain me and for me to explore. thanks to yvonne lee yenting. hahaha.
granny fell down today. got to know only when i reached home.
shall update tml. bb.
11:26 PM
Saturday, October 13, 2007
sometimes i just wish to say: it's between the two of us. even though u r my mother, please respect my decision. i know what i am doing. and since then, ive woken from this incident that whatever thing that happen between us, i'll not tell you anymore. i rather suffer alone rather than things being spread through ur mouth. u added unnecessary things, use very ugly words.
didnt join my parents for breakfast in the morning even though my dad keeps waiting for me. until i flare up and tell them that they dun have to wait for me. but i secretly told my brother im meeting bf for breakfast and ask him to SHHH abt this. hahaha.
i feel so uneasy in this hse.
take for example during the days that i broke up with my bf, i dread waking up in the morning. even when i know i cnt sleep, i'll rather stay in bed. reason being im afraid they might question me this and that. i dun wan all these. because im someone who will keep things to myself until i really cnt take it, den i talk to someone.
i know many may disagree on us patching up, but i really dun wan to spend another few weeks of insomia and lose of appetite. although lose appetite can lose weight but i rather be happy than sad. because during those days, my smile were so fake until i cant even take it.
i hope he'll really keep his promise.
may not be joining dad for breakfast tml too. he may be thinking tt im trying to avoid my mum. but seriously im avoiding 2 things.
went for buffet lunch at his cousin place. had kfc for our brunch. and then dinner at his place plus ice-cream. wah...so full. haha.
i guess i'll end here. bb.
10:25 PM
Thursday, October 11, 2007
i was so tired previously. i merely slept for 3 hours plus. i tried not to think of it, but i realised i cant.
ytd after sch, i didnt go home straight away. i went over to pioneer mall. my favourite spot for crying. haha. because over there i got my own space, i know the area whereby there wont be anyone going. sat there like fool.he did call.
and then i went to find an auntie there. giant's cashier. chatted with her for a while and then she told me sth which was a lil unbelievable. she said sth like if i am her girlfriend...for example she's a guy la, she will feel very very insecured. but seriously i dunno why. i walk her to the bus-stop. chatted and then i went back to my fav hideout again.
and then he called again. ask if im picking him up. so i went over. cant be sitting there like an idiot. i pressed him to be honest again. so in the end he got no choice but to admit tt he did went over there. the reason he didnt dare to admit is because he's afraid i'll leave him.
TERRENCE LOO WENG MENG, YOU UNDERESTIMATED MY POWER. YOU THINK YOU ARE SO GREAT TO ASK HIM OUT. I TELL YOU I HATE YOU TO THE CORE. WHO ARE YOU TO CRITICISE ME. YOU ARE ONLY MY FLING. YOU FUCKER. YOU THINK U ARE SO DAMN COOL AR. IDIOT SHIT. U KNOE, U LOOKS LIKE A FUCKER AND A WOMANISER WHEN U FLIRTS ARD. I WISH YOU WERE CAUGHT BY A TP FOR DRIVING AFTER A DRINK. I HOPE U GET INTO A SERIOUS CAR ACCIDENT AND DIE VERY VERY UGLY-LY. YOU ARE JUST A LOSER. BECAUSE I LEFT YOU, YOU WAN HIM TO LEAVE ME TOO. YOU LOSER FUCKER. I LOOK DOWN ON YOU.
alright, i did forgive him after that. i dun wan to spend another night crying and getting insomia. it's terrible. when u are hungry, but u got no appetite. when u are tired but u cant sleep. i hate this feeling. when you tell yourself to concentrate, you can do so. whenever i think of the photos, i feel so uneasy all over again.
although my parents disagree, but i really cant do much. because deep in my heart i still love him alot.
today celebrated ching's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRL. you are older than me already. heex. im still happily staying at my 18. bleah!
went to sakura for dinner after that. so full la.
pictures will be uploaded erm....maybe tml or what la. abit lazy can. hee.
alright. off to bloghop. shall stop here.
4:28 PM
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
i feel so lonely.
i know my mum is worried abt me, that's why ive been putting on a brave front in front of her. i tried not to think, tried to keep myself busy. but whenever im alone, it goes bacck to square one.
even yvonne see the photo le, also dun believe what he says. wo de xin hen tong.
i sacrifice so much for him, sacrifice so much in this r/s...and i got this.
i think life's really unfair.
11:32 PM
i was very very sad. told my mum abt the broke up. and surprisingly, she encourage me to break with him. no guys can be trusted.
cried almost the whole day. even in front of jasmine ang. and i must really thank her. thank her for her concern. seriously, no teacher have ever shown such concern.
this time my heart really broke. broke into million zillion of pieces. no matter what he says, i dun believe le. my heart is broken. that's what i know now. i've tried many ways to act strong, but im still emo.
i ought to be harsh.
i called up ching n junliang last night. it's very late le. many have already fallen asleep. i told them abt the issue.
the most embarrassing thing is...i cried very very badly on the phone with junliang.
this morning, i thought everything was okay liao. but then i saw the photo again. and their lies was revealed by me again. i cried n i cried. imagine crying in sch. a place where so many ppl will see u. haa. it's very paiseh.
dun feel like going home so soon, so kelly acc me to marina square to find ching n pam. happy thing is, i saw tay ping hui, felicia chin n joanne peh. the moment i saw them, i started smiling. very very happy. i dunno why.
now i know who are the friends that are concern abt me. thanks for being there for me. u know who u are la. haha. dun need list out.
although i need a long long time to recuperate, i really hope im strong. just scared tt when i face my dad, i'll just broke down again.
im very very confused. no appetite. headache. i dun feel well. but i have to go to school so that at least i wun think so much.
my last time calling you dear, laogong, hubby and darling. im sorry, this is the only decision i can make. my heart cannot forgive you, and neither can my parents. i really love you alot. i've never at all love a person so much. you are still the one i love. but we can never be together. i hope you all the best in everything u do.
8:05 PM
Monday, October 08, 2007
something is wrong with my eyesight. i guess i really needed specs. i shouldnt go on lying to the optician that i can see the letters clearly when im actually trying to picture it. hahaha. thinking of tt bloody pay...faint ar. since june already. can be prepared to be written off as bad debts le. i guess i gotta start the application letter. because mine is in email form. bye.
7:44 PM
Sunday, October 07, 2007
i want to buy this. (the pink one)
http://www.sony.com.sg/microsite/walkman/a800.htmlim going to ask my bf's brother-in-law if he go courts buy, got discount anot. hee. because my mp3 spoil le, and then i wanted ipod, but my bro ask me to try sony's brand. hmmm....
hand very tight lehx. haha. no money liao. anyone wan to sponsor??? hahaha. or maybe should ask from my dad? or xian zhan hou zhou? buy first and then act very very poor, hoping dad will give me money for tt. hahaha. we shall see.
celebrated my ah gong's birthday. mum cook to granny's place. in the morning was quarrelling with dad and den i was so angry with him tt initially i dun wan to talk to him, but then in the end still talk. haha.
quarrel with my bf too. he forgot his uob password and he needed to tranfer money to terrence. him again! haiz. and then in the end i got scolded again. ya, he expect me to do everything for him. even the cup tt we just bought, i must also be the one doing the washing and getting it ready to use. his mp3 also spoil, so we went to ask his friend working at scenic, and then when his friend ask abt the warranty etc, he blames it on me again. im not grumbling. but then sometimes i feel sad. i can do things for him, but he nv appreciate. if anything goes wrong, i've to be responsible.
i was so tired of everything but i still hold on. even though there was time i feel like giving up. after making me cry like fuck, he apologise.
i better start my tutorial. sch re-open like holiday. everything also dun need to do. hahaha.
10:34 PM
Saturday, October 06, 2007
went to ECP today. bbq and stuff and then cut birthday cake. heex.
will not upload pics yet la. too tired le.
ants can really bite. next time im not going to let them off.
tired.
he was thinking of sth, and so am i.
i know i no longer belong to him. and im really stupid to believe every words from him. i'll try to keep him out of my mind meanwhile. even though it's not easy, i'll try, i'll try.
seriously wherever i go, it reminds me of him.
-idunnowhy-
i know by reading their testimonial, it will make me upset, yet i still read and read. whats the use? even if i read and get upset, i still wun be able to be with him. i admit whenever i read their testimonial i will feel very unhappy. so to cry buckets? im really too tired.
if only...we r still together.
if only we have not even started.
if only i dunno him totally.
it's complicated.
10:54 PM
Friday, October 05, 2007
i went out with von, ching, sze, kelly and vernise to lavender for lunch and then had our chocolate fondue. yumilicious. i love it.
walked all the way to suntec city. hell, it reminds me of going out with him.
im not going to think anymore. because memories are hurting.
odians told me to move on with life. he's a past and we girls must have our backbone. and they told me why look back when i can look forward. true true true...
i was chatting with von last night. yes, i did treasure him in the past, but not as much as when we parted.
hell, it's going to be 1 year. last year, at this time, i was busy sms-ing with him. my life was filled with thrill and because we only got certain time whereby we can hang out together. sometimes even cancelling our dates last minute. we cling with each other since then. and one day without listening to his voice was a torture for me.
i know i have to move on with life. but he just cant seems to get out of my mind. time will heal all wounds. when will the day arrive?
i had a hard time falling asleep ytd. think of him thru'out the whole night. my sleep was filled with dreams. and i woke up early this morning. many ppl have been asking me abt my eyebags.
i guess i need to stop talking abt him.
9:43 PM
i cant sleep despite many attempts.
and suddenly, i rummage thru the sms he sent me.
rmb he once told me, i can only love him and andy. and i made him promise that he'll love me and betty only.
he once said, 'i'll treasure your love for me'.
he once said, ' our r/s will nv be a one-sided love.'
i miss the way he force me to say, 'i love you' on the phone. i swear i've never even said that to my boyfriend. we always ended our conversation with 'love you' it's either he says or i says.
i miss the way he calls me darling...his sweet sweet darling and his sweet baby.
i miss calling him baby.
i miss the way he disturb me and wenlong and then getting jealous all over.
i miss the way he make it up to me for making me angry and pestering me not to get angry with him.
i miss his overseas calling and sms-ing.
i miss sms-ing with him in the night till one of us fall asleep.
i miss the time he tells me he dreamt of me.
i miss the time when he thinks abt me and let his mind wonder off just thinking abt me.
i miss the way he feel so happy abt meeting me the next day.
i miss the way he reads my blog and start scolding himself as ass-hole.
he promised to have a long r/s with me. no he said it himself.
baby i really miss you alot. i cant resist it. i dunno why u keep popping into my mind. it's been a terrible night for me.
if only i can turn back time...
2:09 AM
Thursday, October 04, 2007
why does i seems to bother abt him so much. he's move on with life and flirting ard with other girls and im here thinking and thinking of him. what the FUCK am i doing? why cant i just wake up and take it as if that 6 months was nth. 6 mths compared with my r/s with a for 2 yrs plus. what am i doing???
why did i read his testimonial when i know it hurts??? him dancing with other girls, him flirting ard and him being with other girls. i shouldnt care anymore. but why cant i just throw him out of my mind.
i dunno why. i dun even know why im crying over him right now. we've no relationship together. we arent together. he's not my fling least my bf. he's NO ONE. why am i so affected by shilin's testimonial?
i shouldnt even bother abt reading. i feel like im on the dead end.
or maybe it was love at first sight that makes me so hard to forget him totally or maybe he's the one that is able to shower me with enough love and care.
she's attached, he's getting married next year. if he can do that to his gf, so he can do it all along. he's not a sagitaurus but he's as flirt as a sagitaurian.
fuck, what am i talking. not all sagitaurians are flirt.
i will strike him off my mind. i can and i will. pls god...let me forget him.
just let me do that once and for all. i swear i'll nv fling...please.
if only i can....
this will be a torturous life for me....
11:54 PM
im taking some time off IAP to blog.
not very happy with my current IAP class because it's very noisy. cant concentrate, very distracting. and he's from bad to worse. hahaha.
i finally get to sleep from 12am to 9+ am. that's my satisfaction.
im badly in love with kit kat nowadays.
im worried abt sth. very very worried. it concern......argh!!!
why am i stil thinking of him. it has gone out of my life already but many times his names keep appearing in my mind. it's terrence terrence. i dunno why. it is sth to do with feelings for him or is it just missing him?
hell. i know i shouldnt do that. sth must be wrong. what's wrong with my heart???
okay, that's all for today.
4:17 PM
having probs waking up at 6am in the morning. hell la. i was so blur. my hp alarm went off and i was staring at the hp screen, and i dunno what im going to do with it. i thought it was my laptop but i dunno why it keeps blinking. duh!
and when i finally realise it's an alarm, i got off my bed unwillingly. my mum talk to me, i didnt reply. because too early=too moody. it's better not to reply than to flare up at her right? haha.
oh ya, did i mention that ching was talking abt my horoscope? she says sagitaurus cant really settle down. even after they are married. argh!!!....in fact im starting to feel a lil scared. because i've the background of two-timing. and i cant imagine myself after marriage. so i hope and i prayed that i can stay faithful.
it's been some time. and i've lost count. okay okay, it'll be our 28 months being together this coming sunday? think so la. those who may think aiya, it's peanuts la...well, it's hard to go thru. seriously i myself pei fu myself that i can tolerate until 28months. but having sweet and sour moments is the time that we can sort of built up our relationship. so heck care la...if can of course is get married la. hahaha.
alright. waiting for jl to send me some files and i can zzzz le. heex.
12:05 AM
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
i cant stay up for too long. probably after 10pm show, im going straight to bed. im really tired.
anyway went to westmall for subway with kelly and ching. after that we went to shop ard. bought 3 undies at ero. haha. total 32.90. but since im a member there and my card has a credit of 27$ since the discount were all accumulated as credit, i only need to pay 5.90.
i think i'll vomit blood having to chat with him.
no no, i dun mind ppl talking behind my back, and im not trying to clarify anything. i just hate it when they just did it behind ur back. and i mean BEHIND. because since im just behind u, den make me turn ard and say it into my face instead. i look down on you.
i've this craving for MOO's ice-cream. whats wrong with me man!
cysts was a lil painful for today. i guess it's really time for me to go for check-up. but again...im scared of tt gynae. he'll definately make me talk when all i want is to nod my head and shake my head. he'll greet me politely and then start his lecture on me. HELP!!!
i've been really slacking away.
guess that's all.
10:19 PM
Monday, October 01, 2007
alright....9am class is a big no-no to me. i dragged myself out of bed. i switch off my alarm, hoping to get more sleep...and then i dreamt of myself waking up etc etc...and then my mum knock on my door to wake me up. no choice, wash up and then breakfast....
luckily i wasnt late.
tummy wasnt feeling okay. may be due to the junk food last night. with soursop drink and green apple. one sweet one sour. and then follow by gelare's ice cream. it was hell painful. it comes and go as and when it likes to. but sth i realise is...when ive finish my period, the 2nd or 3rd day, my tummy will be painful. heck!
i think ppl are stupid. esp those girls in my school. like it's so pretty obvious u ppl were talking abt someone when they walk past and bitchy girls giggles like mad. i know girls love gossipping and bitching abt other girls, but please la, use ur brain lo. unless u can say u have rusty and not-working-very-well brain. then i forgive you. haha.
i finally finished up my AFA. and must thank ching for reminding me there's still this MA tutorial. i almost forgot abt it la.
tml is a short day. a day i hate, because i just need to attend sch for only 1 bloody hour. unless there's proj meet-up else i think it's so useless to attend lesson on this day. boo!
alright, guess that's all.
bb.
10:27 PM
