Tuesday, July 31, 2007
HE MAKES ME VERY VERY FED UP.
im already not in a very good mood already, yet he still keeps msg-ing me non-stop, asking me to go out with him and asking me to make myself free on saturday night. i really feel like scolding him, feel like telling him straight in the face that IM NOT INTERESTED IN HIM AND IM ATTACHED! c'mon, please please please LEAVE ME ALONE. proj dateline are nearing, i feel so pek chek and now YOU CANNOT STOP MSG-ING ME. since you like UNREPLIED MSG-ES DEN CON'T MSG-ING ME AND I'LL NOT REPLY BACK.
i've never been so angry in my whole life. can you imagine how f*cked up im feeling right now.
if i want to go out with someone, i'll agree to do so. AND I WILL NOT REJECT SOMEONE IF I REALLY FEEL LIKE GOING. cant you catch the hint???
and to those who finds it so nice to call me in the middle of the night and hang-ing up after i pick up, and smartly uses a PRIVATE NO., congratulation for making me pissed in the middle of the night. if you thinks it's funny, go ahead. i'll not entertain ppl like you.
LEAVE ME ALONE.
10:46 PM
tired tired tired.
been quite upset. he may be posted to ang mo kio stamford tyres as dunno what la. meaning he will control the area. not that i dun like him holding a high position, it's because we stay in jurong, i used to make an effort to pick him up from work etc etc...but if he were to be posted there, we won't meet that often like only once a week, no meeting will also mean that i might have a change of heart, and vice versa.
confused and unhappy.
that's the reason why i dun like him working in stamford. ppl there are very fake, very bad and mei you ren qing.
f*ck up with everything.
3:36 PM
Monday, July 30, 2007
caleb lye found my blog...like after changing, only 2 person in class knew abt the change, only less than 5 ppl know the link, but he can so smartly found it.
anw he was damn pissed with me. whatever it is, i wun admit it's my fault but i'll apologise. no one told me 'no smelling of food' and i always do tt b4 i eat.
had another weird dream last night. i dreamt tt me and my bf was in msia and he tried calling one girl but he couldnt get thru, and den i heard what he was mumbling and so i asked him who the person was but he lied tt it was his customer...afterwhich i woke up from tt dream, feeling so uneasy.
i missed eating sushi. but i just rejected tt guy for sushi session because i dun wanna go out with him. and he suggested another karaoke session and i told him the more the merrier. hahaha.
-why must i pretend to be happy? why am i afraid you'll leave?
7:02 PM
Sunday, July 29, 2007
i dunno if i should believe. i dunno if i should set my last decision. for no reason he scolded me, he demand me, and it's like i was talking to him nicely and he started scolding me.
im really really very tired and fed up. if he hates me so much, what for hold on to me? i find no reason. find no reason that he'll stay and what's the thing tt held us together for so long, i dunno. i dun wan to know either.
it's like not the first time. im so tired of everything happening.
maybe our fate has ended and because i didnt want to let go, tt's why fate has been plaing with us.
i declare im tired. very.
we wasnt very happy with each other. been together for more than 2 yrs, but unhappiness also last for 2 yrs. when have you been happy with me ard?
who really knows how it feels to be scolded for nth? no one knows my pain, no one understand me.
10:13 AM
Saturday, July 28, 2007
first he asked for some karaoke session someday. next he asked for sushi together. i really dunno what all these means. like cant you see i've been saying see first for so many times?
i told you i dun eat sushi and claims tt i hate sushi because i dun want to go with you. and you suggested korean food. you asked if im going over to PM because you wanna get sth for me. but seriously, i dun need it. at first i wanted to go PM, but upon see-ing ur sms, i changed my mind.
i dunno what to write because im a lil pissed right now.
11:02 PM
Friday, July 27, 2007
i hate cramps, i hate period, i hate to be a woman.
weather is so cold, i feel like sleeping. my tummy hurts a lot because of the cramps. i feel uneasy. i hate studying. i dun like to go for tutorials. i hate climbing the stairs. i hate walking around.
and i indulge in chocolates to make myself happy, to make my tummy less hurt.
for this moment i just wanna hide under my blankets to sleep. hahaha.
when i think back, why am i giving my all in this relationship yet he cant even feel it. i feel so sad, so empty. he said,'you know how to love me meh'. what a qns. i mean if i dun love you at all, why the hell would i spend 2 yrs plus holding onto a r/s with you, forgiving you for helling and shouting at me. why why why???
i used to think tt if i were to buy him medicine when he's ill, rush to visit him when he's ill, get him breakfast in the morning so that he dun have to carry an empty stomach to work, help him do this and that, he'll feel my love for him. i was so wrong, not until today. it's when everything goes unrecognised, its when he dun give a damn abt me, it's when he started scolding me. i think im the silli-est person in this world.
why cant he understand me?
on the other hand, im so afraid he'll fall for me. or rather to be more specific it's P. because he always sms me, and today there were a few msg-es sent and received...and....let's not talk abt it...
no one will want a girlfriend like me.
bye.
10:27 PM
Thursday, July 26, 2007
for this moment i think i'll just dig a hole and bury myself in it.
i got so frustrated doing the tutorials, until i feel like throwing things around, scolding people when they frustrate me and killing the lecturers if possible.
somtimes when i think back, why didnt i cherish the time during lectures? i mean it's not like i didnt listen in class, it's like i usually didnt fully understand sth and i'll just do the tutorial, etc. ARGH...i dunno what im talking. crap.
as you know, i dun like bringing in blank foolscap into tutorial because i dun like copy-ing answer, i rather correct my ans instead. but i believe i have to do so tml. i dun understand a single SHIT in Afa. it's when the lecturer missed out tt you completely dun understand, it's when the lecturer dun give a damn, it's when 'HEY IT'S POLY AND YOU SHOULD BE STUDYING YOURSELF INSTEAD OF THE LECTURERS SPOON-FEEDING YOU'...just test me on the concept of consolidation and i can tell you i know nuts abt it.
i regretted choosing this course. why choose a course when u know u cant handle? because ppl says tt course is good? well,no and hell NO. because i have an interest in calculating, because i love figures, but why make-do with so many eng, so many FRS? why is it that other course can enjoy their poly life better than us? like we pay money to torture ourselves, like we pay money to face the stress, like we deserve it.
i feel so tired. shoulders ached. tired eyes. mixed feelings. brain going crazy.
i broke down in the evening. because i feel so stressed in life. what revolves around me is proj, tutorials, exams, sleep. and the same routine again the next day. when will the word HOLIDAY comes? when there was completely 'stressfree' life? quarrelled with him. maybe because i was already very pek chek and he keep asking the same qns for the past few days which made me flare up and den arguments arose and hurting words splattering around. why have i gotten myself into such a state that w/o him, my life will be empty? or maybe because i've only a few trueful friends. well,maybe.
bad bad day.
11:09 PM
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
let me do some serious blogging after 'anyhow anyhow update' kind of attitude. haha.
i dun wanna talk abt studies. i think i'll die if i were to continue talking abt studies. anyway exam is just ard the corner. not yet prepared. not even a lil prepared. i still wanna watch dvds, still wanna go shopping. this year is a torturous year for me. with minimal shopping trips, with minimal dating time, with minimal sleeping allowance...all the beauty gone, all the dark circles surround.
i dreamt of a lecturer in my sch last night. i wun say who he is la. because u will nv know if caleb lye were to find my blog and splatter it all over SB. woke up in horror and then back to sleep.
dearie gave me part of his winnings for 4D. yeah!
it's gonna be the day of the month.
stomach and thighs cramped. thanks to the running on tuesday. haha. but it's quite fun la. i was busy keeping my pace, busy tie-ing my hair, busy pulling up my shorts....before everything goes DOWN and my face thrown. hahaha.
if no exams...only test and projs....isnt it better?
on the lighter note, bro is coming back on saturday. i gotta acc dad to pick him up. he's so lucky. humph. and i bet i'll get a scolding from him because till now, i haven't found the time to look for his phone battery for him. lalala.
alright, shall end here. nite.
10:49 PM
Monday, July 23, 2007
it was such a cool and comfortable weather to sleep and to slack at home. but because of sch, i gotta drag my whole body to the bathroom, to wash up, to keep myself awake.
late for sch...been very very used to it. haha. and go for stupid lesson and knowing tt no matter how one changes the url, he.she will be able to locate.
no freedom of speech. no privacy.
so is this called life?
scram!
12:17 PM
Sunday, July 22, 2007
sometimes im really jealous of other girls who's able to make their guys go ga-ga over them. whereas im unable to keep my guy with me. with him mesmirizing and ogling at other girls.
im still very tired. i love the raining weather. boo hoo.
i think i'll have a lot of prob coping with my exams. MACC, AFA...hell. i dun understand much. shit. i think it's time for me to DIE. consolidation and stupid MACC...CF n CLAW is a hopeless case to me already. i guess i'll just drop dead.
i hate school.
10:14 AM
Thursday, July 19, 2007
finally!!! audit is DONE!
happy but what's the use. tml will be the arrival of the next proj to be handed in within 1 week. big big YAWN! haha.
rain was very heavy today. floods. haha. should be a nice weather to sleep. only my bf gets to enjoy. haha. dad offered to drive me to sch after knowing tt the rain is damn heavy, but too late la, i already reached the bus-stop with half my body covered with rain water. and only got to know from my mum just now tt my dad was quite worried abt me, which i dunno why he's worrying la. and he goes ard mistaking other girls at the bus-stop as me when im already on my way to sch. so funny.
bro called to chat with mum just now. he says his body ach-ed after exercising. bet my mum's heart-ache. haha. lol. she's been worrying abt him ever since his enlistment. always telling me dunno what my bro is doing, there no tv, must wake up so early...haha. i guess they worried too much. because i believe my brother can overcome these ordeal. =) 2 yrs, very fast one. next saturday he'll be able to book out le. yeah!
now that not many people have the link to this blog, i got to enjoy the freedom of speech. but still, i've gotta be careful cause it's easy to trace someone in blogger.
shan't say much. my eyes gave up on me. white part of my eyes turn into a lil jelly like. yucks! thank god after some eye drop, there's some improvement. i think it's time i stop rubbing my eye too hard and TCH im not watching sth unclean. hahaha.
mentally and physically drain out. studies and relationship not working out fine. always end up quarreling for no reason and it's always him who can suddenly blow his top. i'll forgive him but until one day when i really cnt take it, i'll leave.
alright, i guess it's time for me to zzzzz!!!
10:58 PM
Monday, July 16, 2007
tired. fed up. irritated.
i really feel like giving up this relationship. mainly is because im tired. tired of having to report to him my whereabouts and him not doing the same. like people expect you to do sth, but he/she doesnt do that in return. tired tt there's so much restriction. the lies tt he was working OT, the lies that he made up to dunno go where. he thinks im stupid. but he doesnt know my sixth sense are quite accurate.
i wun say i'll give up on this relationship. but i'll say i'll give this relationship a missed. it's when love turns into hatred. and it's when my heart lies low for him. it's when i realise i love my family more than him. and everything happens because i realise i will nv stand a place in his heart. the many dreams of him with another girl haunts me in my sleep... i just hope everything will come to and end.
im tired.
sometimes i'll say im damn jealous of couples who love one another take for example a guy in my sch. kelly you should know who i meant. i'll treat him as more than friend but i'll not totally treat him as my boyfriend. he's nv there for me when i needed him, and when im hungry he will ask me to go and find food myself. he never offer to buy food for me even if im super hungry. i felt so disappointed and it's been my mistake for choosing him in the first place.
i believe i deserve better guys, i believe i deserve to be treat better.
i'll declare myself as single. i'll not put on the ring he gave, i not wear the necklace he bought. if i dun stop this torture, i'll suffer for live. i really really cnt imagine when we got married.
or maybe if i think further...when im pregnant and have cravings for certain food and him scolding me and asking me to go get the food myself. i really cannot imagine. im starting to hate him. till now he still wun understand what i feel, what i want.
i've been pushing the thoughts, the hurt in my heart away so that i can concentrate on projs and studies. trying to act happy when beneath me, im fighting to stay happy and not think of what's going to happen next.
freedom!
8:02 PM
Sunday, July 15, 2007
well, i dunno. im actually considering. sometimes i feel so confused. is he having a fling outside or did he still stay faithful. i believe in revenge or rather i shall say karma.
recently there were many quarrels and is over very very small issue like when i just pass a very very normal and neutral comments and he got angry with me and scolded me, hung up my call etc. like why kick up a big fuss for nth? i dun even know what i've said wrong. sometimes i really feel like leaving him once and for all. i cannot tolerate ppl with such attitude.
i think i really need some time to think over our relationship.
tired.
10:13 PM
Saturday, July 14, 2007
well, i dunno how i should start. sometimes im really very fed up with certain ppl ard. just dunno how to say la.
no point pulling a long face thru'out the whole day because no one irritated you, no one owe u anything. it makes me fed up and pek chek like for no reason i've to face someone with a black face. it spoils ppl's day.
because i suspected sth, because i was angry with him, because of so many things tt made me fed up, i decided not to call him, not to talk to him. which made him even more fed up and i end up being scolded, end up crying until he gave in and apologise. heex.
going up to giant made my heart thump very loud. haha. mainly is because of P's msg. there were many msg which contains different kind of meanings. sometimes i dun even bother to reply, sometimes i dun even bother to read.
alright. i guess tt's all.
1:18 PM
Thursday, July 12, 2007
haven had the time to update this diary. so shall do it now.
recently there's some unlucky things happening la. bro got into an accident and thank god he's fine. see, in s'pore it's all abt money money and money. did the repair work for the other party charged directly to my bro. luckily we prepared black and white. second accident tt happen to my close one in this year. is 2007 an unlucky year?
sometimes i've been wondering,whenever i said i've enough, i still dun wanna give up. what's the thing holding on to our relationship? i wun say it's the time spent together or that we are too used to each other in one anothers' life, or rather i should say for me only. because i know i've this unexplain feelings for him, sth which made me stay. he can make me cry for umpteen times, can scold me in whichever way he wants, can used as many vulgarities as possible but at the end of the day, im still together with him. it was this unexplained feelings....
i was kinda sad today. partly is because i dun understand why im still unable to trust him. many times when i called him, he'll try to hang the call as fast as possible. he seems to be hiding sth from me, but when i ask, he'll either ask me not to ask so much or he'll say this person is with him or his friend boss is ard, which has got nth to do with him.
the silence, the coldness towards him is not because im angry with him, more of disapppointment, more of sadness. sth which he will nv understand and will nv be able to understand. the many times tt i've cried at his hse, is not because i want sympathy, is because i was unhappy with myself for not making this r/s work out the way i want it, and im unable to make him happy. nobody will actually understand the feeling inside a broken heart when all the vulgarities were shooting directly at you. even a conversation not exceeding 2 mins can cause so many arguments.
im really in a confusion state. i cant handle a relationship well, and i cant handle my studies well esp in yr 3 when tutorials are left un-understood, when tutorials are left un-done.
my bro is going to camp in less than 12 hours. 6 more hours. abit of
bu she de esp when he's been admitted into pasir ris commando. my parents never agreed to let him into commando it's all purely on the government's decision and my bro is the only son.
heartless i just hope he'll be safe over there. 2 weeks cnt see until him, bet the hse will be so quiet.
when everything has to be hiden under a mask of fake smile.
11:56 PM
Monday, July 09, 2007
i feel so tired. i feel like sleeping. but yet...proj proj n proj.
abit pek chek la.
studying for macc. stupid pp.
8:41 PM
Sunday, July 08, 2007
i wasnt thinking of updating but since im online, why not? since i love my blog.
i feel so tired today. was raining in the morning and i wasnt thinking of waking up early, so i turn off the alarm at 7.30am and continue slping till 8+am until mum came in to wake me up. reluctant i tell you.
came back home in the afternn, and then wanted to slp, but when i thought of AFA...haiz. back to figuring out the ans but again MISSION FAILED. i gave up la. and then my bro was like, hey go jp with me to get a new phone lehx. so i went out with him.
and now i dun feel like sleeping. though i know im tired.
tommy yee is sick.
birthday cake
we love him
birthday boy
the woman behind his back.
12:10 AM
Friday, July 06, 2007
alright now that it has come to the end of the week. so fast sia. well, tutorial wasnt really done. cf n afa was half done with afa all wrong except for the theory part. wth! busy copying answer thru'out tutorials.
macc test coming up AGAIN! using excel. haiz. sometimes i just hope the sch can give the students a break. it's either proj or test. when's the time for us to really enjoy, i really dunno la. previously we get to dedicate weekends to tutorials but right now, we cant. have to complete tutorials the night before. argh!!! i need a break!
was on the phone with terrence just now. so qiao when he called my bf, he was bathing and so i pick up the call. pls dun make me fall for him AGAIN. it took me quite some time to forget him. at first it seems a lil awkward but after tt im so okay le.
ok, i think i want to play some game before sleeping.
tml's schedule- breakfast at je, to granny's place, to pasir ris to find the route for my bro's camp. and sad case is, my bro is going to ns next fri. shitty shit, he still haven buy printer inks and he didnt teach me how to do it. oh my! i think i'll die without him ard.
ok, bye.
10:22 PM
Thursday, July 05, 2007
had a bad day in sch today. actually i should be used to his scolding and stuff like that, but today i just cannot take it anymore. his vulgarities etc all shooting at me, and when i kept quiet, he took it for granted and scolded me non-stop. cried.
because i've said several times im tired. im tired abt this relationship. sometimes i dun even know what's the thing tt's holding us together, and i realise i cant understand him well enough.
sometimes i wish i'll make him regret, make him feel guilty, but i cant bear to do so because i still have my parents and i know they love me.
okay, since he has apologise.
went to clementi pizza hut with kelly ching n gh. have a sinful lunch. but im lovin' it. hee. and i guess the waitress are damn freaking pek-chek with us. demanding customer...not really la. haha.
so tired. tutorials are half done. i wonder what's gonna be the next disaster. another low grade in cf n afa...awaiting....
i want a new pair of heels...
10:25 PM
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
im so tired!!
after mst, proj...and tml still got mock test for MACC. i wanna die. sobs.
celebrating poh's birthday tml. weets...so excited!!!
took my bro's camera.
alright! i think i shall end here.
she....none other than my bf bro's gf.
10:28 PM
Monday, July 02, 2007
this is damn funny and i think i ought to share it here. haha. a joke my boyfriend told me or should i say it's real.
as u know my bf and his bro shared a room la, but they both have things they own. so on saturday, my boyfriend complains to me that someone touch the things on his table. and the thing was none other than TISSUE BOX. know why my bf knows when someone touches his thing? is because he always tidy his table before leaving for work.
and so on sunday, he told me after his work again that his TISSUE BOX was dented inwards. i was laughing my ass off la. and he commented tt they must be having sex in the room and used up his tissue, really used up until there's no more tissue and they didnt even bother to replace a new one. what the hell. and now i know why she stop cleaning up the house and worse of all, she's the only person wearing slipper ard the house. because their floor was too dirty and so must wear slipper. wahaha.
till now i still cant stop laughing la. i know it's not funny but the thought tt both were making love in the room just makes me laugh non-stop.
guess who's this lady...will reveal the next time i update. wahaha.
6:38 PM
argh!! i know u hate our grp, dun have to be so bloody hellish comment so much. hell!
go to hell la.
9:27 AM
Sunday, July 01, 2007
i swear it wasnt easy being a girlfriend and being his gf is even tougher.
f*cking early in the morning, okay not tt early i shall say. i called him at 9.48am, he didnt pick and so i thought he must be bathing. 10am, i msg him to call me, he didnt call la. and then 10.07 he called and ask me: 'why u didnt rang until i pick up the phone, now sawal under my hse wanna pick me up and im still at home' fuck la, it's not my fault lo. cant u even spare a thought for ur bro n his gf. if i keep calling, they'll wake up and they'll get angry with me. and now u comment im this n this and how sucky i am. u are the one who cant wake up. usually u have no prob waking up at 7.30am and u have no prob waking up at 5am to accompany ur father to pick durians and u have prob waking up like some 10 am in the morning and it's my fault tt u cant wake up????
if this is the way u r gonna treat me, i'll rather die than be with u.
and i was complaining to my mum abt how unhappy i am and tt i got scolded for nth. mum actually wanna speak to him. haha. laugh my ass off man!
i cant be bothered and im too tired to bother abt him. i hate ppl to blame me for nothing. sometimes i think it's better for me to be alone, wun get blame for nth, carefree, freedom...
if it's your fault, u jolly well apologise before i made the last decision.
just leave me alone.
10:22 AM
