Monday, April 30, 2007
once and again i feel so fed up.
i didnt ask you to report your whereabouts, and i hope u wouldn't expect me to report every single details. your friends ask u out, go ahead. im not stopping you. you don't need to keep calling and report and create such an impression of me to your frens tt i need you to report everything. -like i said, i wun be there for you all the time.
now tt your friends have commented such things...you know how irritated i feel? like im not stopping you and yet u are the one calling me all the time. this is why i say i hate your frens. did my friends ever interrupted our conversation? THEY DID NOT. or maybe should i say your friends aren't educated enough to RESPECT you and im someone who needs RESPECT.
i hate it when you smoke, did you even made an effort to quit? 1 years 11 mths of r/s, from the first day till now, i gave you lots and lots of time. isn't it long enough. i keep quiet about it, and yet u can't sense any unhappiness in me. i thought maybe one day u can surprsied me by quitting, yet u didnt.
you enjoyed smoking, you love smoking.
i've told you before lots and millions of time, smoking is no good. you insisted on, and so what can i say.
a relationship with so many downs. i really dunno if i wanna continue. i've shedded enough tears, yet i dunno what's the things that is forcing me to stay. we've broken up many times, and again we'll go back to each other. is this wad i've owed him in my previous life?
mummy voiced out sth again this morning which makes me even more unhappy. it's always mummy n daddy's thinking. i know they care, i know they love me. i know they are freaking worried abt my future, tt's why daddy keeps encouraging me to study hard study hard. i will and i've tried. i cant.
they wanted me to enter uni. you think with my freaking lousy results, im able to get in? FAT HOPES!
i want to watch tv.
8:00 PM
my photo was taken by a stranger in the BUS! can you believe it? i mean c'mon la, is there a need to go to such an extent?...im starting to hate ppl who invented camera phone.
boarded the bus. irritated by the stares given by tt stranger. i'll call him bastard. and when he alighted from the bus, he was in front of me. camera on his phone, ez-link covering the screen of his hand. i knew sth was not right. so i turned my head and used my hair to cover 3/4 of my face. tt bastard was clever. as he alights, he hold his hand in a position tt may captured the other side of my face. *bingo. the click of the camera sound. and i'll say he's stupid because i knew he was taking my photo. i should be glad he didnt take my photo under the skirt, or i'll definately kick his dick.
it was considered a tiring day for me. i was supposed to slp ard 12am last night, but i ended up sleeping ard 2am instead. toss and turn in my bed for very long and in the end i got fed up n switch on my lappy and continue my games.
i was telling mom and bro abt the myanmar trip tt my sch organised, but i told them im not going because he doesnt allow. and never did i expect my mum n bro to disagree too. pengz.
with projs deadline nearing and....IAP is killing us...and CF have to be handed in in week 5. i feel like dying.
alright. time to stop ranting and finish up my tutorials. humph.
6:29 PM
Sunday, April 29, 2007
all or nothing. haha. tt's a nice song.
a quick update.
thinking back...there's ups and downs in a r/s. i was scrolling thru the photos in my phone and he caught a glimpse of ashraff. i got nth to say. but well, definately im in the fault. i didnt argue back.
quarrels started. his unhappiness pouring all over the room.
i know, im not a good girlfriend. i'll nv be because no one is perfect. i cant be the perfect girl of your dream and i cant be there for you all the time.
i was indeed moody today. i dunno why, maybe pms. i got no mood to talk to anyone. let alone smile. i admit i pull a long face but...well...there are times when there's things in my mind and definately it's bothering me.
many a times i nearly blurt out the words to mom. but i quickly
shut. i know they cant do anything. the most will be giving me money for check-ups which i think im still able to afford for the time-being.
it's been nearly 1 month. yet i still cant accept the fact. the same questions going through my mind over and over again.
why me?again i have to thanks dearie. thanks for trying to patch things up. thanks for giving in after SO long. boo. i'll change but it'll take time. i promise.
many -break up- being said last week. i hope everything will be much better now.
alright time to sleep. *yawn*
10:58 PM
Saturday, April 28, 2007
okay i know this is contradicting and well...i dunno why i just went to cbox and got myself a new cbox taggie.
once and again i hope there'll be respect and responsibility written by ppl. i dun wan ppl to visit and den leave stupid comments. if you are gonna leave nasty comments, den please do not hesitate to leave. im not going to read comments written by ppl who dun dare to owe up by writing down their name(in IC).
alright...it's time to look for info for IAP AGAIN....can you imagine....it's IAP IAP AND MORE MORE IAP....it's getting on my nerves and....MANY MANY REGRETS....
3:31 PM
should i just erased him off my mind?
this is sth which have been popping into my mind recently. i dun see any efforts shown. it's been so long ever since we met. feelings are fading. his feelings for me FADED. well, maybe things are better off like this. makes me n him feel less guilty.
final decision confirmed.
granny came over in the morning. had breakfast at my house. den daddy mummy granny n me were sitting ard the dining table chit-chatting. more like gossipping la. haha. they were talking abt cancer and guilt strike me. head down, stuffing my mouth with noodles, and i dun wanna listen to anything.
i should be prepared for the worse.
actually i fear night. haha. i dunno why also. it's the time when im left all alone to think n think. everynight i tried to make my eyes very very tired and upon lying on bed, i'll fall deep into slp.
it's the time when my thighs starts to hurt anytime it wants to. i've no control to it anymore.
wish me luck yeah!
12:27 PM
Friday, April 27, 2007
i was kinda fed up. i hate it when ppl call me up when im sleeping. like 'hello, it's only 5 plus AM.' and when you called...you said very very nasty things....here's a lil conversation by us:
'hello, who's this?'
'im the guy who went up to bed with you before'
'huh? went up to bed? are you crazy?'
'can you please tell me who are you? I NEED TO SLP'
'you guess la, or you went up with bed with a lot of guys?'
'you're crazy'
i was thinking who the hell does the private number belongs to...i thought it was some prank by my friends...terrence...no, he doesnt sounds like him, my bf...cant be because he must be slping like pig...and i dunno anyone who holds a private number...
'wah, you went to bed with so many guys ar, until you cant rmb me. i think you can go be prostitute got money earn also'
beeeeppppppp!!!!!!!!! i hang his call.
persistent 6 missed call aftermath.
i was abit fed up. c'mon im not so cheap lo. and u called me in the middle of my sleep and said such things...which makes me so freaking awake that im unable to fall aslp after tt.
and i jus received another private number call from steven. the guy who wanted to know me when i was waiting for kelly, ching and von at tiong bahru when we met up for sakae. he says: 'can come out tomorrow...really no time for friends mehx' and i told him straight: 'NO'
i was very very fed up. and f*ckingly, he sounded like tt bastard in the morning.
conclusion is, i'll not pick anyone's call who's private in number. maybe if you ppl really couldnt contact me, den try using sms method. it's much better. haha.
alright, tt's all.
10:08 PM
Thursday, April 26, 2007
i was supposed to be doing my IAP proj right now...but...i tink i wanna blog first. because it's sth which is troubling me alot.
szeling asked abt my conditions just now. so i told her. which makes me a little emotional right now...
im still very reluctunt to let my parents know. they'll be worried sick, and if this news travels to my granny's ear, she'll be unable to fall aslp and her high blood pressure will happen again. so right now i think maybe if i were to keep everything to myself, it'll cause less trouble, and i only have to worry for myself and not for my family. plus i dun wanna breakdown in front of them. i appear strong and cheerful in their eyes, i appear to be a very optimistic girl.
causes for ovarian cystsHistory of previous ovarian cysts
Irregular menstrual cycles
Increased upper body fat distribution
Early menstruation (11 years or younger)
Infertility
symptons for ovarian cystspressure, fullness, or pain in the abdomen
Lower abdominal or pelvic pain, which may start and stop and may be severe, sudden, and sharp
dull ache in the lower back and thighs
problems passing urine completely
pain during sexual intercourse
weight gain
painful menstrual periods and abnormal bleeding
nausea or vomiting
breast tenderness
i have early menstruation, i experience pain in lower abdominal,which may start and stop, ache in lower back n thighs, breast tenderness.
it was only after i found out this details that i feel so scared. which warned me abt my health. i hate the doc. i really dunno. what should i do???
why me why me why me???
my brother will be enlisted to commando training. he jus received the letter today. a letter which he's waiting for for so long and he's getting impatient. 13 july...it's on a friday. friday the 13. wth. why this date man. i bet i'll miss my bro like hell. it will be so weird when no one quarrel with me, no one act as the middleman to talk to my parents and no one help me deal with computer stuff. im gonna ask him to buy more printer inks and teach me how to refill and also....so many many....life will be dull w/o my bro. and worse will be....no one will offer to drive me to the mrt station.
it's only april now but i know i'll miss my bro. sobs. 少了一个疼我的人。
7:55 PM
realised i haven been blogging abt sch recently. haha. alright, the difference between yr1, yr2 & yr3 is......it's so difficult to complete tutorials for yr3. i swear things are much tougher this year. i dun even know if im able to survive.
most of the CAs are based on projects. like IAP, Auditing, CF-CA1. but anyway IAP is choosen by me myself. and we also choose of group members...haha. hopefully we wun turn out to be enemies in the near future because quarrels do happen like wad caleb lye says. haha.
it's time to take a bath and drag myself to sch...
10:01 AM
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
all of a sudden i feel so confuse. i dunno why.
11:12 PM
hmmm...i was kinda reluctant to place a tagboard in my blog. after serious consideration, i think...i still dun wanna put. i dun wan ugly comments to fill them up and ppl who uses other names to tag my board. so no tag board for the time-being.
was considering if i should undergo operation. thanks to the doc tt im unable to know my situation right now. with my area being hurt so many times a day...mus well let it pain once and for all. right?
had fire drill in sch just now. it was crap la. such a hot weather and they practice such thing. waste of time.
alright i guess i'll end here.
9:36 PM
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
| You Would Choose Love |
Money may buy a little happiness, but not the happiness of true love.
You rather have a true soulmate than a private jet.
And while many people may claim they would choose love too...
You're one of the few who would really do it. |
7:26 PM
this time not tt im afraid of the doctor, not tt im running away from knowing the truth. i want to know the truth badly. yet...the doctor did not do any checkup/scanning for me. so 5.2 cm x 3.9cm to him is small. but do you know it's consider BIG for me?
shit. i shouldnt have smile or laugh when im talking to him and telling him abt my prob. waste my time waiting and he's ;ate for an hour AGAIN.
he claims it's okay. he says the pain may be due to other organs moving. like wth la. i lose. i dunno how to reply him back la. it's really the pain. not from my intestine or wad because it's the same feeling i experience before.
he said if i really want to remove the cease, he can do tt for me...but HARLOW...does tt mean tt i can go home after tt straightaway without having to be hospitalised? i really dun understand la. he didnt explain clearly. there's so many question mark in my head.
he even said tt if i experience the pain, i wun be smiling anymore. like c'mon tt does happen, but it goes away after a few mins.
i really hope im okay.
cysts: doc says tt it's a collection of fluid.
4:56 PM
Monday, April 23, 2007
last night have been so bored that i started doing funny quizzes...
things wasnt going the way i want it to be.
i know my condition has turn from bad to worse.
boring day ahead...
12:21 PM
Sunday, April 22, 2007
| Men See You As Playful |
Men want a challenge and you are the perfect playmate
You know how to push men's buttons and attract a wide range of guys
You enjoy living and loving - it's one of your most attractive qualities
Men are often consumed with desire for you, and you love that! |
| What Your Sleeping Position Says |
You are confident and ready to tackle life.
You are pretty vain and happy with your physical appearance.
You are born to be the center of attention, and you're unhappy on the sidelines.
You're always up for trying something new - in and out of bed! |
11:55 PM
| Guys Like That You're Sensitive |
And not in that "cry at a drop of a hat" sort of way
You just get most guys - even if you're not trying to
Guys find it is easy to confide in you and tell you their secrets
No wonder you tend to get close quickly in relationships! |
| You Are a Candy Heart |
You're definitely a pro when it comes to romance - and you have great dating etiquette.
Plus you probably smell and taste pretty darn good. |
11:40 PM
| You Are 76% Sexy |
Your Sex Appeal Is: Extremely High
You're very sexy. You just have that certain something that takes over a room.
You know how to attract, entice, and keep whoever you want. You are truly appealing. |
11:33 PM
Your Seduction Style: The Dandy
|
You're a non-traditionalist, not limited by gender roles or expectations.
Your sexuality is more fluid than that - and you defy labels or categories.
It's hard to pin you down, and that's what's fascinating about you.
You have the psychology of both a male and a female, and you can relate to anyone.
|
11:31 PM
| Your Candy Heart Says "First Kiss" |
You're a true romantic who brings an innocent hope to each new relationship.
You see the good in every person you date, and you relish each step of falling in love.
Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a romantic dinner your sweetie cooks for you
Your flirting style: friendly and sweet
What turns you off: cynics who don't believe in romance
Why you're hot: you always keep the romance alive |
11:28 PM
| The Keys to Your Heart |
 You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.
In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.
Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.
In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted. |
11:20 PM
Saturday, April 21, 2007
you dun give me face. fine. i tell you next time im not going to give you any face in front of my parents. not even in front of my relatives. i tell you i hate you so much.
the other guy...call and ask him abt mac delivery no., dun wan tell then jus say la, say so loud for wad.
in my life i've been so fucking tired of GUYS GUYS AND GUYS. i can no longer tolerate them.
he wants to kill me. go ahead. one day if im dead, culprit will be him. go ans to my parent, go ans to my grandparents. i tell you, they'll sue you to death.
relationship haven't been that good. or rather it's never good. ya, you r right, im childish, but who's the one who's been making effort to make this r/s work? you claim you were the one, are you??? ask yourself one more time.
i'll go crazy if such thing goes on.
10:14 PM
Friday, April 20, 2007
was feeling kinda down...
portfolio was like ready last week, didnt collect it...
quarrel with the bf. very very unhappy.
i jus wish i wasnt alone.
im lying to myself.
things seems to get worse.
no time for gynae.
no willingness to cure anything.
forget it.
9:32 PM
Thursday, April 19, 2007
prudentials...more and more....irritating as they are...
prudential's staff says i look like a teacher...she says im pretty...ask me to join cabin crew...!!!! c'mon jus come straight to the point. want me to sign up den say la, go 1 big round for wad.
bought a lot a lot of things. watched 'cadaver' thai movie. scary!!!...
late dinner makes me feel so fat.
tidbits are piling. fats are cumulating. weights increased.
fat fat fat.
9:41 PM
do you know how much i hated you? i hate you for cheating on me, hate you for lying to me. how many times. can you ans me? i feel like u'r the worst guy i've ever seen.
once bitten twice shy.
you never learnt your lesson.
im tired.
9:24 AM
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
accounting race was fun. i love helping out.
cant sleep too much...have to do proj tonight. haix.
was complaining abt sth to yenting. haha.
boring boring day...
10:17 PM
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
lectures are bored. plain boring. firstly, it's corporate finance...lu geok lan. boring boring. after tt was caleb on advance financial. better...and den...raymond fong for company law...tt's the worse thing.
was quite tired thru out lectures.
after sch went to get free ben&jerry's ice cream with my friends. haha. yum yum.
after tt walk ard.
went chinatown...bought vaseline. and den....eat a lil...and den...home sweet home...
alright...actually i really dunno what i should update about. life's been kinda boring for me.
8:04 PM
Monday, April 16, 2007
sch was fine. but i was super duper tired.
i feel the pain again and again...
wanted to visit the gynae...clinic was open but the doc is on holiday. can u imagaine.
i told them i experience pain, so she ask me where.
i can only visit him later this week. can u imagine he's away for holiday for so long. from good friday until this wednesday.
caleb lye is so TALL.
haha.
been starting to dislike sharon. anyway she's a lec. wore shorts to sch, den she ask me, 'are you allowed to wear shorts to sch?' like c'mon la, wad u trying to mean. i know u are trying to climb up, but dun need to be so... been hating her since the time she keep pestering us to join the china ITP. students will join if they have the interest, no point trying to pull them in by telling them how good things is over there.
alright. that's all.
8:12 PM
Sunday, April 15, 2007
jus had family dinner at dragon gate restaurant. so freaking tired.
tml will be the start of yr 3 life. im not looking forward...
i dun have the mood to study. bleah.
may be visiting my gynae tml.
i dunno wad he'll say this time.
i hope medication does help.
i dun wan any operation...the scar will stay with me for life.
pray.
10:20 PM
i was sad. no doubt. wad's wrong with telling michelle?
u r jus plain selfish. u think of urself, ur own advantage. u neglected my illness, u neglected my health. all u think is urself. u nv spare a thought for me. u rather i continue having all these instead of finding a solution to it.
disappointed.
u nv ask me abt my condition. u knew im in pain, u didnt bring me to the doc. u jus shake ur head. im already facing things alone. u knew im not talking to my parents, u didnt try to comfort me or wad. so now, wad's wrong with telling michelle? she's a nurse. why cant i?
who actually ask abt my condition? i bet they thought im making up stories which aint true. the only ppl tt listen to me complain n actually ask abt my medical report was corinne, joyce and yenting. who else? none of my fren and not even my 'part-time' bf.
i chatted with kor last night. really dunno who to talk to, so called him. chatted for abt an hour. thanks kor for allowing me to complain etc.
i dun need ppl to pity me and im not trying to ask ppl to show sympathy. but who actually ask? who actually show concern? none except corinne, yenting and joyce. those fren which i knew for barely 2 months.
i dun wan to compare.
i feel very tired living in this world.
god's unfair to me.
he took everything away from me.
9:28 AM
Saturday, April 14, 2007
i feel so scared. i dun wanna know but i still wanna ask.
asked my uncle's wife, michelle, abt my ovary. i told her everything. i trusted her and so i ask her.
she said if i feel pain, i've to consult my gynae...which i didnt. the 'lump' expanded. im very very confuse. i really dunno wad i should do.
operation will be the last resort.
i dunno who to talk to....
mind is in a blank...
im scared.....
11:19 PM
Friday, April 13, 2007
today was the last day of work. i miss my colleague so much. esp andrew, corinne, alfred n my quarrelling partner simon. haha. bought them chocs and wrote them a card. it's been great working in tt co. when there's ppl who 'look after' u...hee...
yenting n i exchange hugs and den we parted. awaiting to see each other in sch. heex.
so monday will be sch re-open. hurray. not forgeting...i miss my frens too. but frankly speaking comparing this 2, i prefer work. when u r working, it will means tt u can go out during the weekends. when u r studying, it means tt ur weekend are spent on tutorials and revising for papers. boo hoo.
wah....talking abt it makes me feel like tearing. at first when we parted i wanted to tear le, but i control by laughing n laughing. it isnt good u see...act strong. haha.
alright...should write till here. bye.
9:34 PM
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
i feel very very vexed. dun ask me why. suddenly i dun feel like doing anything. dun feel like staying home.
infection was due to the humid weather. fungus growing. some stupid growth at my left ovary. pain at my left ovary. pain ard my bladder near to the right ovary.
LO came to visit us today. god knows....she thought i gt anorexia. maybe because she didnt see me wearing tight fitting clothes tt's why she thought i tried staying away from food. lol.
haiz
sometimes i really feel like being alone
im very tired of living.
9:38 PM
Monday, April 09, 2007
since this is the life u want to lead, i'll jus leave u alone. no worries, i wun call u up anymore. sometimes saying things out is better. it's a complicated r/s.
9:40 PM
Sunday, April 08, 2007
how long can one tolerate someone?
for no reasons, he ignored my call, for no reasons, he didnt bother abt me for 1 week. ok fine. wo ren shu.
okay. tt's all.
tired.
10:25 PM
shooting was okay. jus tt i smile too plasitc, too stiff. haha. actually regretted taking casual n executive. i think bridal suits me more. haha. no im not so impatient. i do wanna get married but not in a hurry.
thanks pearly for the time.
i think i can jus die straightaway. whenever i listen to 'nothing's gonna change my love for you'...it reminds me greatly of ashraff. phew!!!....been so long ever since i contacted him. why why why??? why is it always him. bleah.
shall update till here. wanna go play game. lalala.
9:39 AM
Saturday, April 07, 2007
heart ache.
total spending on medical was 308$. later on have to pay another 280$.
is it really time to break the news to my parents?
i tried to brave things thru. wait till one day when im really broke...but...will tt be considered selfish?
mom found out abt my vagina wash. she didnt ask she didnt ponder much. when i gt home, the wash wrap with plastic is
un-tied meaning someone touched my things...who will it be besides her.
another scanning will take 78$. 1 months time.
if money could drop from the sky...
if im able to strike lottery...
i simply hate my life.
it's all abt un-happiness...
when will i ever be happy again? when will my life be totally perfect?
并不是不想听你的电话，也不是不想回电，只是觉得既然你能这样对我，对我不理不睬，我为何回电？
当我需要你的时候，你连理都不理。
绝望。
10:29 AM
Friday, April 06, 2007
is everything such a coincidence? so coincidence tt none is FREE?
nvm, it's okay.
i've also learn to buy their story.
knowing them jus brings more
un-happiness to me.
anw attachment is coming to an end. suddenly i dun feel like going back to sch. because i've jus knew a bunch of nice colleague.
for corrine, though she likes to gossip and she tells us many things happening in the co., she's really a nice fren. nice in the sense tt she'll buy food for us which includes me, yenting n joyce. she bought us cream puff n also kit kat. the rest of the colleague didnt get to enjoy tt.
for joyce, she's a newbie in tt office. she became very close with me n yenting. we talk abt everything, she gave me advice n also to encourage and make me understand many things. she understand the pain im going thru which no one is able to. she took a risk to go out of office during office hour to get herself juices n fruits for us.
where on earth can u find such a nice fren?
haha.
nvm, it's okay.
i guess i'll still ask joyce out some days. because i believe she's a nice n true frens.
tt's all.
i still dunno if i should tell daddy abt my condition. should i let things get worse and when there's a need for an operation den i let the cat out of the bag?
i feel so tired.
i gt a feeling tt the growth will not become smaller. it's been with me for sometime. 59mm x 34mm.
i feel the pain.
i hate everyone everything in this world.
nite.
9:44 PM
Thursday, April 05, 2007
report was out. everything is okay except for the scanning.
doc found sth at my left ovary.
if it starts to expand, things will not turn out well.
if it becomes smaller, it's better.
visiting the gynae in 1 month plus time.
and....
can u imagine the whole scanning cost me $68? like....wth....
i feel so tired...
10:13 PM
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
i broke the news to him.
i told him since both are unhappy together, no use being together. there wun be future for us.
so we r officially over.
10:14 PM
sometimes somehow...i feel unwanted.
i may give up both of them. it's not because there's no more love, no more feelings...it's because in their eyes, im jus a piece of shit, jus a piece of rubbish.
when they need me, i'll get their calls, when they dun, they either throw temper on me or ignored me.
sometimes there's jus some mixed feeling.
sth which cannot be explained. i felt so distance from him all of a sudden. i felt tt i no longer stands a place in his heart.
i went to look for him today. all he cares abt is his family, his tv set. see, in need of money still buy tv. i really dun understand ppl like him. does everyone in the hse have to own a tv set? which will increase utilities bills and can u imagine everyone watching the same channel in different room? sometimes nv pay utilities. i really cnt imagine my life if we were to continue.
since family is all he cared for, then wad's the use of my existence?
im not trying to say tt he should not care abt them, he should but c'mon, he treats everyone better than how he treats me.
i really feel like letting go. holding on to a r/s without any future. wad's the use?
his fren once told me, feelings is sth which cannot be switched on n off anytime. ya, he's right. but right now i really feel like switching off.
i know everything takes time. even wounds tks time to heal. but i really wan out.
i chatted with yenting today. because i really couldnt tk it anymore. couldnt tk in the sense tt today he tell me this story, tml he tell me another story. a min earlier he can throw temper on me, next he can treat me nice.
i asked him,'tml i'll be collecting me report, wanna come along?'
'at where?'
'my hse downstair'
'wad time'
'after work'
'i thought u gt other guys to accompany u for the report, dun need me one'
see why i feel so disheartened. he doesnt bother he doesnt care. im always alone. even going to clinic all these, if i really need his companion i have to beg and ask. he nv take initiative.
i need time. i really need. i may give up.
9:12 PM
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
i dun understand.
why is it tt im always facing the pain alone? i dun understand why i got a bf who doesnt care much. devastated. maybe all along i was wrong.
i know he's stress, but tt doesnt give him the right to throw his temper on me. i keep quiet and he took advantage and started scolding me for no reason.
okay fine. everything is my fault. but i dunno wad i've done.
i did told him i have my photo shoot on saturday. he says i dun plan to tell him. c'mon, today is jus tues, and there's 4 days away. if i inform u only on fri or saturday den i admit it's my fault. but i didnt.
his fren ignored me for days.
alright.
fine.
anw i chatted with ashraff ytd. haha. well, lied. sadly, he's attached. i know i got no hopes. but...haix...forget it.
i'll still hold on until the day when i can no longer tolerate.
9:20 PM
Monday, April 02, 2007
the pain...i really dunno how to explain or describe it. i have difficulty walking and i nearly tripped. maybe it's because i was thinking of sth and my mind was so occupied by so many things tt i didnt realise the uneven floor.
i cant do many things. even sitting can be painful for me, even visiting the toilet is a prob. the very very basic of everyday life have been changed. i cant walk too much, cant walk too fast, cant sit too long and cant visit the toilet too often because of the pain.
sometimes i wonder why. why happen on me? why do i have to suffer so much.
there were many question marks in my mind. im starting to keep away from my family members, trying to hide sth by pretending to smile. it's really hard when everything goes haywire. tk for eg, ytd when i went out with daddy ytd, the smile and everything was just a pretence. not tt i want to, but i dun wan to spoil the day. with both my eyes being swollen it's not tt they didnt know i cried. they dun wanna question so much.
im starting to doubt his words. not believing in everything he said. sometimes i wish to be alone. to cry my hearts out. there's so many unhappy things happening. im putting a brave front. im trying to keep myself cheerful and in an optimistic thinking by cracking jokes for my colleague and laughing together.
boss treated us to fish & co. new york fish & chip is yummy but too bad i couldnt finish.
guess tt's all.
still missing ashraff. bleah.
8:14 PM
Sunday, April 01, 2007
i feel terrible. pain. lost of appetite. weak.
if this have to continue, i rather die.
cuts, abrasion, wounds.
getting scolded by my bf. baby cant be bothered much. he gt his own prob, so i have to face everything alone.
things happen on me, not them. they will nv know the pain. no use explaining, no use complaining.
if crying can ease the pain, i dun mind crying forever.
i miss ashraff.
nite.
10:00 PM
i tell u i've nv hate a doctor tt much until today and now den i know my dear dr ash is since the best i've seen.
i wun talk abt it much...well, maybe after my poor fingers have heal.
big fat quarrel with my bf. ended with both injured. he was scratched by me, and me...fingernails bleed like there's no tml. 3rd n 4th finger being wrapped by plaster.
cried like hell. pain like f***.
i tink i cried the most today. frm 7 plus to 9 plus.
i jus hope....i wun have to wash. it hurts like hell.
where's my baby ashraff..........sobs.
12:08 AM
