Thursday, November 30, 2006
peek-a-boo
i gt study!!!
shi jie, ching n mi
featuring von, me, sze, jie n ching
he says we r short
we says he's shorter
von n me
when teacher says cnt seat like this, i die die also wan. bleah!
11:13 PM
i dunno if changing the song is better or wad. the more i listen the more i feel like crying.
whole day in sch, nv really pay much attention during cost accounting. i was thinking of him, whether he's taken his lunch etc. he's someone who can makes me worry so much for him, but yet and again, he wun know, and he cant be bothered.
many a times, i wanted to let the tears flow, but i dun wan ppl to see the weak me. i didnt know my eyes was obvious till the extend tt von actually ask me if i've cried. yes i did cry it's all because of him. i know im insignificant, im nth. evrything happens because wo yi(1) xiang(1) qing(2) yuan(4) de.
like wad ching said, sometimes it's like im the one holding on to the r/s. it's like he dun bother, it's like everything is one-sided. it's like i dun exist to him. yet i dunno why after all this treatment from him, i still love him a lot a lot. when i says i dun bother, i bothers a lot. when i said i dun wanna be the one sms-ing or calling him, im still the one taking initiative. yes im stupid, always cheated by guys.
schedules are kinda packed.
on the 8 dec will be the handing up of FF proj, 11 dec will be tax CA2, 12 dec will be facc CA2.
i wanna watch yin yang yan. mus ask dear to acc me go watch someday else later no more screening le. haha. hopefully he gt the time else we'll be tied down with dvds again. boo!
wenlong sms me during cost tutorial. haha. i didnt reply him. i dunno why when i saw his sms, i jus deleted it straightaway.
im such a bitch a slut.
10:05 PM
like wad i've guess, the meeting was cancelled. somehow i was prepared jus tt i was a lil upset with him because i dunno the reason was real or jus sth which he make up.
i dunno why thru'out the journey to sch, my whole face was completely BLACK. any guy who walk past and look at me, i'll jus stare hard at them. no smile, nth. it makes me hate guys so much. love to them is nth, but it's sth so hurting for the gals.
maybe i should blame myself for believing every word he says. so stupid of believing that he ONCE like me. feelings fade but for his case, he was not fading but it's sth which doesnt exist. i understand. but this time round i wun believe wad guys says. wad they want was sth which is kinda hard to explain. well actually i dun wanna say it here. u guys knew it urself. im not some slave. get it?
no doubt my eyes was swollen when i woke up. i refuse to get out of bed. i listen to mp3, listen to the songs in my phone. until my parents were out den i took a bath. ready to go out and den some ppl cant make it. but as planned i went to sch.
so now im in sch typing this entry, not bothering abt my proj mates. haha. i know it's bad but if i dun blog this down, everything will be like messing and going round in my mind and i wun be able to concentrate or wad.
will ytd be the last??? the last gift for u, the last day we meet the last of everything? well, god knows. i cant be bothered.
i've change the song in my blog. it describe everything happening now.
confused.
leave me alone.
bye.
10:15 AM
everything planned and now i think im cancelling it off. dun ask me why.
i gave up calling, i gave up sms-ing. i guess im not going to take the initiative. nv again. no reply nth.
back to sch tml.
it was only when u didnt realise, im starting to let go.i feel so tired of crying..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
12:02 AM
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
before i do anything, i jus wanna blog. haha.
i get to see baby today. abit weird suddenly. but after a while get use le. suppose to be happy but somehow im not. i dunno why i jus feel like crying but i keep controlling. trying not to think abt it. i guess ching should know. act as normal, as if everything is still the same, yet my mind is in a mess. it's so hard to force a smile when ur mind tells u ur not happy at all.
after meeting for a while, baby drove me to dear's place. fell aslp in the living rm on the sofa. omg. first time slping in the living rm of his house. nvm. had some dream until collen called me. xia si wo. haha. cause his bro n his gf was in the room, so i gt no choice but to stick my butt to the sofa. humph.
not attending sch tml if baby is meeting me. haha.
somehow im getting some phobia. so many weird things happen. ppl ard me seems to have r/s prob. im fearing.
blogging at OD le. bye.
10:16 PM
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
sch was fine today. jus that i was kinda tired. dunno is because of the weather or wad. sian. 12pm lesson also sian. haha.
anyway when i was on the way to sch, 1 guy approached me. as u know i always have my earphone pluck to my ears, i thought he wanted to ask for direction. so the 'kind' me stop and was ready to help him and tada~ the qns he asked was,
'can i know u, i find u very cute'
...den i told him,
'my bf dun allow me la' hoping that he will jus go away and leave me alone.
'oh okay' he said
den after awhile, he turn ard and said, 'u should open up ur choice' etc etc etc...i didnt listen much.
den he ask for my no. not ready to accept his no. or wad, but i've no choice, at first he said, if i wanted to miss call him because i was holding on to the phone sms-ing with von n ching. den i was like 'NO WAY ELSE HE WILL KNOW MY NO. LE. so he wrote his no. down for me la. after tt when i was abt to leave, he ask for me no. 'thick-skin.'so no choice, i gave him my no. den faster leave le. wth.
despo guy.
baby will be back tml. im so happy. love him to bits. muahaha.
i realise other class students are easily satisifed. is it because my class is far too competitive or??? sometimes i feel that i dun belong in this class. weird feeling. cannot be explain. secondary sch also lidat. entered into the first class, but they are far too different from me. i tend to play, and put studies aside. and now i guess im pretty much doing the same things. but come on, hard work doesnt pay off for me. i tried during MST. and yet my results are worse then those who didnt really study. can i go die? it's not like i dun understand. it's the application that matters. I DUN WANNA BE AN ACCOUNTANT.....jus be 'wenlong' princess. haha. siao....
by the way that guy, haha....he ask if i wanna have an affair with him. like WHAT THE HELL. i gt no feelings for him and i was jus purely entertaining him when he msg me lo.
why are dere so many despo in this world????
okay, i gotta do my own things le. nites.
10:45 PM
Monday, November 27, 2006
there's so many things to complete with so lil time. im going crazy soon. firstly i MUST settle the gems thingy, next will be FF. mus really rush thru le. thurs im not attending sch, heng i last week did the cost tutorial le. else my burden now will be -duh-
still feeling tired as usual. so i went to tk an afternn nap in which i keeps drooling. i know im drooling but i didnt care. con't slping and when i eventually woke up, my blanket was wet, and the surroundings of my mouth was filled with my saliva. ok, like kid lidat, cannot stop drooling.
down with stupid flu. yucks. i hate it man.
go watch tv le. bye~
8:58 PM
Sunday, November 26, 2006
hmmm....dunno wad i should update abt le. so sian. haha. well, dad was actually thinking of bringing me to shopping, but...ytd i went to bugis. dun need him to bring me le la. haha. but if they are willing to pay for my shopping spree, why not. haha.
there's a pair of heels i targeted ytd at giovanna, and another at noda. but if i were to buy 2 pairs of heels together, my mother is going to hit the roof. argh!!!!....i wanna buy....should i or should i not? confused man!!!
dinner at sakura tonight. yum yum...cannot eat anything else later cannot eat the buffet. muahaha....typical singaporean's thinking. haha.
3 more days...erm...if includes today means 4 more days. baby will be back...haha....LOOKING FORWARD....i miss him so much. but tt kuku ytd msg him, he 12 plus den reply. and i've already fallen aslp.
wenlong have been msg-ing me recently. address me as a princess still. duh. i really dun understand him. he says gt quite a no. of gals wanna know him, but why is he not contacting them but me? i dun really know him and he doesnt really know me, why is it that he dun mind me being attached??? guys and their weird thinking. hmmm....
received an sms frm pearly. haha. gal ar dun need to be sorry, u gt to acc jo. i wun blame u de. haha. next yr jan u mux acc me den ok le. bleah.
siansation....
9:38 AM
Saturday, November 25, 2006
jus had a quarrel with him again. sometimes i feel as if im single. i wanted to go shopping tml, but then he said he have to work. ok lo, nvm. last time when ur dad is not working that time, u work 2 sundays for a month, now ur father started working, u work for 4 sundays for a month. i jus ask u whether u can for 1 sunday dun work, acc me go shopping, u started saying it's ur turn to work this sunday, last sunday when i wanted to go vivo, u said u have to work on that sunday. so we can only go after ur work. sometimes i wonder where exactly do i stand in ur heart. ur work, ur family seems so much impt than me. i merely requested for 1 day for me, and yet u cant make it. u always says that after ur work den go, u cant even rmb my family will be having dinner at sakura tml's night. u claim that u work hard for the future. u claim that u dun have enough to spend every month. i dunno wad u mean. are u trying to hint sth?
guys pride and ego. when we are outside, u insist on paying, after which u will start saying things which is unpleasant. i didnt ask u to pay, but u insist on paying. it's not as if i dun have money to pay for stuff i like. dun have to pamper me in front of others, let others envy me and behind them started to say im spending ur money. i can ask my parents to pay you back if u want. I DUN NEED A SINGLE CENT FROM U. GET IT? i dun understand why my parents dun mind spending money treating u to dinner, treating u to restaurant etc. wad abt ur parents? jus merely a coffeeshop treat. well, anyway that wasnt them treating, it was shared among siblings, yet i didnt say anything. my parents didnt say anything. everytime when there's family dinner they will ask u along, not matter how expensive the food is. they dun mind and yet when i spend like 50 over dollars, u started nagging. maybe i should warn my parents abt it. ask them not to invite u for dinner etc.
jus wanted to go shopping with u, so difficult. when i wanted to go shopping with my frens, u keep saying no. mux beg u etc. den when ur frens wanted to go out, u wanted to go with them. when i dun allow, u not happy. i can spend all my free time with u, yet when u are free u rather spend the time with ur fren. WHERE DO I STAND????
ask me go out with frens. wth. ppl where gt time for me. attached de attached, single de gt their own program. suan le. i rather go alone. gt bf like no bf, gt frens like no frens. dun be offended. im not trying to say anything here, jus that erm that's wad i feel la.
i dun understand. i dun wanna know. u claim u put me in the first place. but ur action cant prove anything.
jus came back from my grandma hse. was woken up by dad. dim sum with granny and grandpa. hehe. yum yum. dad's treat though. nearly fell aslp in the car. den send my granny to kranji cus she meeting her frens dere. waiting for the time to pass. *yawn*
last night sms with baby until fell aslp. haiz. dunno how many times le. sorry baby. haha. still missing him. haix. hopefully wed can see him. hehe.
was reading her blog ytd. kinda sad and tears jus flow down. i feel sad for her, i dunno how to console her. all i can do was to lend her a listening ear, hoping that she will be fine. hoping that she wun tink so much. haiz. im such a useless fren who cant do much seeing her fren suffer.
12:57 PM
i miss baby alot alot. haiz. nvm, jus 5 more days. he's having fever. last night he called me while i was sleeping. so i was waken by his call. haha. nvm. jus dun have the strength to chat but i did struggle to chat a bit with baby. haha. but recently i was really really tired. i dunno why i jus feel so tired every min, every sec. duh. always falling aslp on the bus.
lose elearning gems marks. thanks to my grp leader vincent. nv have it come across to my mind that it will be my grp who did not send out the suggestion. haiz. forget it. i hope projs can help to cover. hen chan lehx. result already so lan le, den now....haiz....
anyway there was an increase of my food intake. 1 day can eat up to 6 meals. breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, supper. wad's wrong with my stomach? wad if i become super FAT....how am i going to fit into my clothes. argh!!!!.....
12:43 AM
Thursday, November 23, 2006
hmmm...actually i was thinking of changing the url of this blog. somehow i dun wan some ppl to see, to read to erm...haha.
i know in this society, we'll meet different kind of frens. approachable, nice, patient and someone u can really trust is hard to find. somehow this person seems approachable, seems nice, seems to be someone u can trust, rely on etc. but in fact this person was looking down on u, sneaking at ur result, laughing to himself/herself. look, ppl may not be as clever as u, ppl may not be as intelligent as u. i hate to say this, but i have to.
i dunno how many true frens are there out dere. but till now i know who my true frens really are. who i can trust and believe. yup.
that's all for today.
yumilicious hotdogs.
usual hangouts
jus rebonded hair
hashbrown promoter-the part-timers in mac.
11:06 PM
nth much to update. jus that we took loads of picture. shall upload them tml because it's getting late and im so tired...haha...
daddy actually wanted to drive me to sch...haiz. sad man, if i go down 5 mins later, i confirm get a ride frm him de, but i bloody hell go 5 mins earlier, den...haha....no no no....tk bus tk bus tk bus. seriously i hate taking bus early in the morning. so darn squeezy....nvm.
mummy's giving me another 100 to spend. yeah! more shoppings and more stuff.
i still got to buy chocs for baby. this one mus use the money i save up de, if use mama money den no meaning le. haha. still thinking of wad to buy. hmmm....
7 more days. jus tolerate it and soon it will b over....will get to see BABY...today didnt sms him because i was angry with him for not calling. den today he say ytd he was tired. so let him off lo. see him small only ar, if not dun talk to him lo. bleah. he better dun see this entry. haha.
off to slp....
12:29 AM
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
i hope baby is with me now. with him i can at least smile, at least he can make me smile. i want baby, i miss baby. haiz. why everytime i have a big quarrel with him, baby wun be ard for me.
hen xiang ku...
mon n today nv wash hair, damn uncomfortable. itchy man.
8 more days....hehe.....after 8 more days i get to see my BABY. hiak hiak. im missing him like hell now. grr.....
blame my itchy hand. my bloody itchy hand. went to squeeze the pimple on my face and tadaa~ my fingernail scarred my face. so now not pimple scar is fingernail create de scar. so big so ugly. walau. mei nian jian ren le. *faint*
10:31 PM
Monday, November 20, 2006
ytd was kinda tired. because the previous nite i only get to slp for barely 3 hours.
hair was rebonded but wasnt too satisfied. not with her skills but when she cut off my beloved V shape. i used to cry over my hair but not now le. haha. but suan le, hair can still grow. so i dun wanna think so much le. jus let it grow by itself ba.
last night sms a lil with baby. because we gt too much to say and his calling card like not enough. haha. so haha... sms until i sleep. bth le, very very tired.
shopping with pearly, collen, jospeph and crystal at far east today. den after that went to mango.
final collection: mango tee, blossom tee, red2 tee, 1 bra and 2 panty from ero, 4 mask and 2 dunno wad shit from missha.
gonna do my cost tutorial le. bye~
10:42 PM
Sunday, November 19, 2006
still feeling down. haiz. i dunno wad to say. maybe sometimes i shouldnt say too much. the more i know the sadder i feel. my heart is in a mess. i dunno whether i should love him whole-heartedly. he's not, that's the case. i should not have said that. i hate myself for saying that, i hate everything right now. i dunno if i should conitnue waiting...
i went to holland v with dear and his fren. well, again i caught him look at a girl wearing damn low-cut shirt and he was eye-ing on her breast. darn. when i wear, i have to use a jacket to cover, but when other girls wear, u see like that's some gold that u can snatch.
im so tired, so tired of guys. i rather be a nun than to suffer all these. i hate my guys looking and oogling at other girls. it's as if i dun exist. get it? when u hold on to my hand, and ur eyes were on other girls, wad does it makes me? i know other girls can b pretty, if u like pretty girls, den DUN BE WITH ME. im not pretty, i dun have a nice figure, IM NOT A GOOD GF. I SUCKS TOTALLY. GET IT. I DUN NEED A GUY TO SATISFY MY LIFE.
is finding a guy who loves u so difficult? why must one go for looks? i dun have wad it takes to satisfy a guy. i ADMIRE guys who dun mind being with an ugly girl. that's true love isnt it?
i dunno how to thank jl. i mean almost everytime when im sad, he'll try to ask me wad happen etc. but yet i refuse to tell him. i told him i need to let it heal by itself. may be true but it seems hard this time. im really very confused.
until now le stil haven done finish my FF. still gt so many tutorials. how to do???? im really going crazy. tonight dun slp? wait until morning rebond hair that time den slp???? cannot la. haiz.
on the verge of breaking down....
2:17 AM
Saturday, November 18, 2006
hmmm....dunno wad to say. actually im quite sad today.
mum made an appointment for me to rebond my hair tml. i dun intend to do it tml, i actually wanted to do it on next sun. but haix. forget it. cant cancel also.
have to rush thru my FF proj now.
11:45 PM
hell. dunno wad's wrong with my SE phone. keeps hanging. one day can hang up to dunno how many times. so damn pek chek with it. boo. regret buying le la.
today slept till 12pm. thru'out was awaken by my father abt some letter thingy. but i can jus fall asleep after tt. last night very nice to slp, cause i keep dreaming. gt so many things happen in the dream. haha. watch too much show last night le. dreamt tt i was looking after a lil boy and he keeps calling me 'mummy' when im not his biological mother. haha. wu liao.
heh, last nite baby called again. chatted for like 25 mins, better than the previous time whereby we chatted for ard 17mins.
he's being MISSED by me. haha.
12:44 PM
Friday, November 17, 2006
today was the last day of MST. for those who doesnt know wad does MST stands for, it stands for Mid Session Test. lame.
baby msg me in the afternn basically after my pp, to wish me gd luck and that he MISSED ME. diao. haha. okay, that was how he type lo. lol. cute baby. he make me miss him like hell...haiz....
by the way last night i was also chatting with baby. hehe. chat until very happy. den no more credit le. sobs. so no choice. tonight will wait for his call again.
quite a no. of photos to update. haha.
posing with tortoise~
when it gets bored study-ing, this is wad i do (see the tortoise also laughing)
peek-a-boo
my companion for studying of audit paper
my companion for FACC and FF paper.
and when it gets bored on the bus, i tk photo of strangers with tattoo. ( this is the pic i mention earlier)
when things gets sour, u tend to pose lidat
10:25 PM
Thursday, November 16, 2006
too much abt baby's entry le.
shall move on to others le.
everyone ard me jus pissed me off. i dun wanna say. i tolerate. the way u speak, everything makes me dun feel like talking to you. very much wanting to scold u back, wanting very much to tell u how much i hate u from the beginning but sth held me again. fuck. i jus hope that thing will go away and den i can tell u the truth, tell u how much i hate u, despise u etc etc.
very fed up with my idiotic bro. maybe i shall even not say u are my bro. hell fucker. i dun have a bro.
today's paper was okay. jus that application can kill. and when the previous day i called up szeling to ask abt the damn bloody phases, today really gt the qns and i wrote a load of rubbish. wth. can someone pls slap me. it's 3 marks ok. not that i bother abt the 3 marks, it is because this pp is very difficult to do well, so treasure every marks given but den...see the case.
back to tax.
oh ya, when i boarded 106 with ching jus now, i did sth which is kinda wrong but i still do it la. cause i find the words meaningful.
shall post the thing online tml or sat. it's actually a pic of a stranger who has a tattoo at the back of his neck. deliberately switch off the flash light jus to tk a pic. heh.
7:49 PM
baby finally called. prove that my waiting didnt go down the drain. heh heh. happy happy. but dunno why the line gt cut-off after 10mins of chat. sobs. can hear his voice can le. bleah.
cant believe baby dreamt of me. lol.
was kinda sick. down with flu. hopefully medicine helps. i dun wanna disturb my classmates during test. haha.
missing baby...
cant believe i changed my wallpaper to baby's photo which was done a few days ago. like dat once i switch on my lappy, i get to see baby. haha. he's being missed.
1:01 AM
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
still missing baby. haha. cannot tink of him too much. hehe.
i screwed my entire FACC paper. my only hope. all tarnish by today's paper. sem1 grade A is GONE. sad, very very affected by it but i tried not to let it affect my FF.
off to meeting dear le. bye~
3:51 PM
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
as usual i miss baby so much. still he nv switched on his phone. dunno wad's the reason behind but will ask him when he's back. calling charges in brunei is so ex, $2.50 per min.
15 more days to go. times flies for today. hehe.
hmmm...well, ytd paper was full of mistk when i should be using the actual overhead, i used applied. therefore i couldnt get the reconcile figure. darn. nvm abt that. today's paper was okay because open book but i tink i misread the 2nd part of the qns. nvm. hehe. looking forward to tml's paper and auditing because after that only left with taxation. not very taxing though. haha.
baby i miss u a lot a lot a lot. argh!!!....
7:30 PM
i miss baby so much. argh!!!....finally ard 11pm, he msg me le. this pig nv switch on his phone in the morning n afternn ( he claims so) that's why didnt see my msg. make me so worry. qian da ar. humph. nvm le, nw that he's fine im jus so relieved. hehe.
wanna see him so much. still gotta count down.
baby u make me so terrible u know.
miss ur hug miss ur kiss. where r u now????
12:06 AM
Monday, November 13, 2006
i got to see baby ytd nite. heh heh. happy happy. cant even b bothered with my studies. stealing glances of him all the time, trying not to be caught by dear. argh!!...feel like hugging him tight. haha.
when dear was in the toilet, haha, that's when the excitement came. went to hug baby and give him a kiss. bleah. and baby was so cute, he put another hershey choc in my bag. thanks baby. muack.
on the way home, dear's fren de car brokedown. den dear super dulan. haiz. den i cant help much and again, he throw temper on me. after that den say sorry. humph.
argh!!!....thoughts of baby filled my mind again. i wonder how im gonna survive these 16 days.
16 days to go....
i'll wait for ur return. hopefully i gets to see him on the 29th. baby i miss u.
3:21 PM
Sunday, November 12, 2006
jus a short update for baby who is flying off tonight. hehe. hopefully he gets to read.
well, last nite we chatted from 12 plus to ard 5am. haha. i didnt even notice the time. all along i thought it was only 3 plus. because i dun feel tired.
miss him like hell. have to count down. starting from 17 days. hehe.
not very long la. less than 3 weeks. haha. ( m i consoling myself???)
still kinda upset n angry with them. haha. my parents i mean.
dad's word still playd thru my mind. at first i wanted so much to talk back but sth held me from speaking. yes, it is true that i gets everything i want, be it handphone, be it laptop etc etc. sometimes they will give me some extra money for shopping etc. i know my bro dun get such a treatment. he have to earn and then spend his own money. i gets 250 per month while he gets only 200. but this time round they are buying a car for him. wad's there to say. 50,000 plus thingy compared to those small tiny things. xiao wu jian da wu lehx. and worse is i get to suffer when he bought the car from him. dad planned to pay them off in 1 year. mum ask me not to spend too much. and im someone who spent a lot and suddenly u restricted me from spending. how can i actually survive.
i must get a job to keep me occupied and definately to escape HOME. but but but....there's still many things to consider. i dun have so much time. only 24 hrs per day. im not independent. i cant survive without frens. argh!!!!
considering considering considering.
a short update can turn out to be a lengthy one. but at least i finally feel so much better after blogging. phew!
baby u gotta take care of urself there. no worries i wun forget u de. =) muack
1:41 PM
i wasnt happy at all. i dunno why.
distracted.
maybe, maybe it will be the last.
as tears flows, the heart breaks. unabling to be piece together. when the thoughts run wild. unabling to focus. everything is in a mess.
12:36 AM
Saturday, November 11, 2006
i cant believe after ytd's dinner, im still so hungry. before going out, had a kit kat chunky, reached dear's house, snack abit, den reach his workplace munching on hershey's choc and cookies, den on the way back went to mac to buy hot fudge and mcflurry, had hot fudge on the way back and den dinner at his house and den after dinner is mcflurry. OMG, i ate so much things and wth. &^%#$@ i still feel so hungry at nite.
but afterall mus thank my mama. still gt some snacks. haha. and my beloved potato chips. diaoz. i mus really control my diet, else i will grow into a fat n chubby PIG. heh heh.
was waiting for baby to be back in spore. argh!!...i felt so tired but still i wanna wait. kinda worried because msia NOT SAFE. -> to me la. haha. so in the end baby called me ard 4 plus in the morning.
hmm...back to today.
had some arguments with my mother in the morning. upset and angry, i went to bath and den proceed to dear's hse to study. hmmm...didnt get to really study because his niece was ard, so when she came into the rm, i have to stop her from touching things. haha. cute.
baby said will call me. wait and wait. in the end is i call him. duh. dun say le, make my blood boils. slept at dear's house. den his bro came back. xia si ren. haha. so didnt really get to slp. cause they were talking. den after ard 15mins, his bro realise the door wasnt closed, so he closed it for me. duh.
was listening to rihanna's 'unfaithful'. browse thru the lyrics. everything completely suits us. the more i listen the more tears flow. am i really hurting him lidat. i hate myself so much.
now super tired. but gt no choice but to STUDY. mug mug mug. wonder how my coffee can help. boo.
i cant bear to eat baby's hershey so i bought another, though not nugget de. haha. but the same. hehe. (to also prove that i gt
study)
11:35 PM
Friday, November 10, 2006
hmmm...today didnt get to meet baby. because someone woke up damn late, someone switch his phone to silent mode, someone nv switch on his vibration, someone kena quarantine. haha.
nvm nvm...though i was very very sad. suan le, at least i gt to see him at night though it is less than 1 min. heex. gt to chat with him on the phone. argh!!! i cannot think of him else i will miss him like crazy when he's in brunei. haha.
was kinda tired. baby's in msia.
wl msg-ed me when i was with dear. duh. didnt reply him lo. den after tt when i was on the cab, straightaway call baby. chatted with him for a while. den reach home call him le. den i replied wl's msg. he very funny, send 4 msg to me. duh. den slowly reply. den he said he's jealous that i was on the phone with other guys. hello, im on the phone with baby. arghhh.....why didnt he ask me if im attached. still have the cheek to ask me for movie. tell u my schedule kinda tight le. haha...heck him.
was i giving him the wrong idea that i MAY BE interested in him...wth. he said he will pester me until i know more abt him, until i can go for a movie with him...weird. kinda make me scared. he seems so erm...stubborn. cant catch any hints.
argh....baby baby....miss you like f*ck.
i dunno when my mouse is going to spoil. it kept dropping onto the floor. haha. violent user.
anyway was very angry with my father today. he was blaming me that i didnt lend my bro my laptop. first of all, i didnt say im not lending. at first he tell me from 12-2, den last nite say from 9am onwards. wth. secondly, he knew his laptop is gonna breakdown anytime, holiday so long, den dun wanna send it for repair, wait until sch reopen den send for repair. i really dunno wad the hell he wants. den i tink he go tell me parent that i dun wanna lend him. so early in the morning, i gt question by mum and den next was by my father. BIASED. dunno the situation keeps blaming me. argh!!!....
sianzation
10:35 PM
Thursday, November 09, 2006
i mistook baby again. haiz. maybe i really should be more understanding. boo. sorry baby. i didnt know abt ur hectic schedule, and in turn keeps saying that u purposely dun pick my call etc.
muackz.
11:57 PM
i know ur ans le. but i still dun understand why u dun wanna face it. u rather hide things. u rather treat it as though i dun exist. i hate the feelings. u rather keep it quiet and ends it silently. why? i really dun understand wad's on ur mind.
so afterall everything is jus a temporary thingy.
i jus hope u will be happy, jus hope that u will take ur meals regularly. i wun appear in ur life anymore.
the heartbreaking moment...
im on hiatus...but i wun abandon this blog.
7:40 PM
waited in vain. no msg, no call from him. phone keeps ringing but none was from him. somehow i sense sth amissed.
i rather u tell me wad u are thinking. even if u wanted to end this complicating and tiring relationship with me, jus say so. i hate calling and den msg-ing u all the time and den get some cold response.
that guy who sms me ytd was wen long. okay, i really couldnt recall him asking me out previously, but erm, haha, he's funny, keep calling me princess and ask me to be his princess. well, i dun really know wad he meant when he ask me to be his princess and weird is that he didnt ask if i was attached. he asked me out for lunch tml, but erm, haiz, i rejected him because i finds it weird la. but i mus really thank him for remembering me. lol. somehow he did disturb me when im studying but so far so gd because when i tell him i wanna study he automatically will ask me go study and den sms later. lol.
i dunno how things will eventually turn out to be. i dunno why i cant stop thinking of you. even when im sms-ing with wenlong, u jus keep popping into my mind. i miss hugging u, i miss biting u, i miss kissing u and i miss ur laughter ur voice ur everything. i dunno how my days will be like w/o u. i dun dare to imagine, i dun dare to think.
when i tink of u, i can jus smile for no reason.
tell me it's not true.
recently sleep until 10plus 11 den will wake up. maybe is because i've been slping early in the morning like 2plus going to 3. my body clock have changed and next week will be a terrible week for me le.
im so tired of my schedule. study study and study. but taking some breaks when i felt nth can go in.
i miss you and i need you.
3:40 PM
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
i dunno if i should wait. but i know that if im going to wait, i will get nth still. so conclusion is, im not waiting. after blogging im proceeding to studying.
wanted to let go, but millions of unbearable. ( ownself translate la.) cannot stop myself from msg-ing and calling. i miss him so much, but who understand. not even him. yet again a one-sided thing.
must thank kelly for acc me chat on msn. mus thank edmond for chatting with me too. and mus thank junliang for telling me wad to study. hee.
there was this guy who suddenly send me a gd night msg. and i ask him who's he. dots. he said he rmb me, but wah die la i cant rmb. somehow he said sth which makes me laugh. -he said im cute and special-. wah, now den i know. at least he makes me realise my existence is not wasted. at least someone do rmb i exist.
okay i tink i know who's he le. quite cute leh. bleah.
i hope i dun give ppl the wrong idea of me flirting ard or wad. jus that we are only frens.
you did not break my heart, you jus tore it apart.
11:02 PM
when can i actually smile again? when can i actually stop crying myself to slp? im so tired of everything ard me. can i stop everything from going further, going deeper???
i've lose confidence. i've lose the battle.
i knew all along u dun like me. jus a one-sided thing. entertainment. wadever shit. dun need any explanation.
emotionally, physically n mentally DRAINED OUT.
maybe staying loyal was the only option.
i may be giving up things i once own, things i once treasured so much, people i once loved so much. because it only happen in fairy-tales. i dun believe in one-sided thingy.
im just talking rubbish. laugh for all u wan. im not bothering, im not going to give a damn.
will this be the last?
2:39 PM
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
so i was right all along. he's forgotten abt it. so no point bringing it up. shall use the time to study. =)
i should be feeling happy. but somehow i cant smile like normal. like i've said 'fakeness'.
my happiness can only last a while.
im trying to be strong, not to be so emotional all the time. so hard. hopefully when sch reopens i can be happy again.
i dunno if we can survive this few weeks. it's close to 1 month. cannot see u for 1 month, cannot call you for 16-17 days. i may jus forget abt ur existence. memories stays in the heart. like wad happen between me and darryl. situation is abt the same.
drink drank drunk.
treasuring every moment, capturing every memories till the day you ask to leave.
laughing at me as if im a fool. but wad i said was true.
if companion was the thing u r searching for, den...
i may not have very gd memorising skill when it comes to studies but for relationship it's otherwise. i wun blame u for forgeting but i'll blame u for making me feel terrible. for i know im insignificant in ur heart. thanks.
ive gotta clear by heart. tml will be a better day. no studying at the moment.
tonight will be the day for me to cry my hearts out. 
when will this happy 'me' be back?
10:47 PM
still feeling low. very very confused. again i doubted your words. left me in dilema. nv at all smile today. fakeness, mask worn over my face. hidden sorrows.
im so tired always being the one initiating. i know i ought to be more understanding, i've tried so hard, i've cried so hard. things happen for a reason. but still i dunno ur reasons for ignoring me. i was so tired of waiting till i switched off that phone because if i dun switch off, i'll be waiting and waiting.
maybe it was the hunger that spoilt my entire mood. unable to concentrate.
i will not call i will not text. because i am always last in your mind. nv will u take the initiative. when one gets tired of doing things and getting nth in returns, she knows the answer.
i still miss u, i still love you. but when i realise i gt nth in return, i gave up.
shall blog more abt friends from now on. haha.
was on the phone with junliang last night disturbing him. haha. he tried FF for 3 times still cannot get 80%. and this afternn he was damn weird sent me an sms saying, 'lol...a bit listless liao...tired ba...slept at 5' super wu liao lo. den after tt he tell me he gt no confidence in his driving test. lol.
5:00 PM
didnt realised i waited till 1.30am. sadness fulfilled me. dunno how to describe wad im feeling right now. so confused. so hurt. sometimes i wish im really single. dun have to tink of this think of that. can fully concentrate on studies etc. i really dunno how im going to handle.
maybe looking for a job because my bro ask me go suntec interview. duh. but im too lazy to work la. but actually gt work means gt more money to spend. hehe. also can keep my mind off some things happening ard. but i dun wanna neglect my studies. furthermore dad wun allow me to work de la. so forget abt it. haha.
i was really very very tired. but haiz. no point saying. as if u will understand. shall let fate decide ba.
LOVE is jus a 4 letter words, yet it is so complicated.
back to e-learning.
1:46 AM
Monday, November 06, 2006
jus quarrelled. gt nth much to say. tired. exhausted. always comparing my studies with his work. saying that he is more stress than me. i cant be bothered la. blaming everything on me. tml will be our 1yr 5mths together. i wonder how it goes.
dun tink we can continue further. he's getting tired of me, and same goes to me. can talk abt one issue for dunno how long. somehow i realise i cannot be happy for this year. unlucky year for me. no relationship works out well. studies not up to expectation. everyone ard me seems to be making use of me for one issue. im jus so tired of it.
from now on i shall just rely on friends. if this r/s doesnt works out well, i may jus abandon it. daddy warned me abt it le. he will make my life miserable if i break up with him. true. very very true. he's making me miserable right now. that's why daddy doesnt wanna talk much to him. if not next time he wun be afraid of daddy le. hee hee.
still scolding me on the phone. haha. but im not listening. sorry for being so rude. but im really really tired. it's always during the exam/test period that we quarrel. i cannot tolerate anymore.
so wad's so great loving 2 guys. when both takes you as a rubbish. 1 will say, 'once i hang up i will nv call'. the other one will say, 'im chatting with her, dun call. dun reply etc.' ya, im treated as a rubbish.
so just dun bother abt me.
10:23 PM
gt nth much to say. not in a very good mood actually. like i said, he can firstly make me smile, and in the next few hours, make me sad. dun wanna elaborate further.
i guess im jus too short-tempered. very vexed abt certain issues. studies, relationship, everything is gonna drained me out soon. wanna study yet cannot concentrate. sleep for some time den wake up.
im insignificant. everything happens for a reason. u know wad im talking abt.
ching n kelly, i know both of u only wanted me to be happy. even if it is sth ive done very very wrongly, it's still the happiness u all want in me. dun worry, i wun let out my emotion so easily anymore.
my menstrual cramp is killing me. i hate this feeling. how i wish i was born a guy. can toy with gals feeling anytime they like. unlike gals who tends to put in too much love and gets nth in return. some guys out there may object to wad i say, so im gonna make this clear, wad im saying is referring to SOME guys. not all guys la. haha.
off to study and to focus hard. bye.
8:53 PM
Sunday, November 05, 2006
dun have to be so harsh. i rather u jus say it out.
did some studying today. couldnt really concentrate. was distracted by some chatting with my family. haha. so did some studying at dear's place and den fell aslp. wanted to wake up by 7pm, ask dear to wake me up den he didnt manage to wake me up. i was super duper tired. den ard 7.45pm den i wake up by myself. go to his fridge and have my fill of swensen ice-cream. i dunno how many kilos i've gain. recently was filling my stomach with chocs. before i slp, jus have dinner den after dinner took tidbits. dun wanna see the weighing scale until i've lose some unwanted fats.
kelly, didnt know u wanted the cheerful huili. i'll try to stay happy always and entertain u ppl during lectures. =)
boring. gtg. have to entertain junliang cus he is complaining he's bored. but dun get the wrong idea. frens only. bye.
11:10 PM
Saturday, November 04, 2006
home alone...haha. wasnt that bad. though a lil boring.
granny called den follow by pearly. hope she's feeling fine now. dun tink so much okay. he's not worth ur tears. after MST den both of u decide wad u all really wan. better focus on ur MST ok. cheerup. (i know u r reading)
chatted with baby for some while. let's talk abt last night. somehow things were clarified. baby im sorry. maybe i mistook you. tears is still not wasted because they flow for u. hee. chatted till ard 2 plus. i was kinda tired think because of those tears. im missing him like hell.
suddenly i felt insignificant.
anyway dad bought banana fritters AFTER i've finish my maggi-mee. duh. if they are back a lil earlier, den i dun have to cook, den i dun have to wash those thingy. haha. nvm la. suan le.
back to study-ing.
10:42 PM
Friday, November 03, 2006
the msg sent last night, the words said this morning. totally hurt. i nv thought i was right all along. sad, heartbroken.
during facc, i knew i could no longer control the tears which is gonna fall anytime. went to the toilet, stayed there for like some 20mins. thinking, replaying everything u've said. tears flow down without stopping. over my neck and all over the floor. i dunno why, i was so affected by it.
went back to lecture, thought facc lecture is over le, but still haven. when it was finally over, i called pearly over. at first we chatted outside the lec hall, but after tt i couldnt control myself and we proceeded to the toilet. i broke down in front of her again. i felt so helpless. there's nth she could do but to watch me cry. my eyes was swollen. lack of slp and due to crying. worse of all was, vincent saw me crying, some lec hall guys saw it. embarrassing.
sorry ching. didnt inform u all when i went to the toilet. disappeared for 20mins and didnt reply to ur sms. of course i didnt drop into the toilet bowl. haha.
i waited and waited. keeping myself busy all the time. u said u'll call. but u didnt.
wasnt paying much attention to lecture because i was thinking of him. when i realise there's no way i can control my tears, i stopped thinking. i asked him why. why treat me lidat. i rather someone be frank with me.
this was the first time i cried so hard in sp. i've nv lock myself in a cubicle and sob non-stop. why must it be someone whom i've love for so long, someone whom i loved so much. i dunno why.
presentation today was fine. at least my grp was considered the best among the others. -self proclaim- haha. but but but. when our teacher was asking us wad was the shirt tt pearly wore, i felt sad again. -there's no sin in loving man. only pain.- very very true. vincent wore -no man is worth ur tears- haha. okok. nth much.
i didnt get to finish watching the talentine. sad. haiz. forget it.
10:25 PM
i know i should be sleeping right now. still gt presentation, still gotta support bradley tml. but but but. all of a sudden i felt lost. i dunno wad im doing. so confuse. somehow i hate myself a lot a lot. my mind drifted to somewhere...very very far away.
was it gonna be the start of another self-torture or....
was on the phone with pearly. i called her. because i was afraid of somethings tt actually happen to her. i told her abt my thinking, we gossip abt vincent. haha.
maybe i might jus leave. i hate facing the reality. i hate this world. i hate everything ard me. things jus wasnt right for me. i felt irritated easily, i thought of escaping. it's soon gonna be MST. i dunno how im going to concentrate.
maybe single life suits me the most. maybe it's time for me to be independent. maybe it's time for me to go.
i hate myself for being so emotional. i hate everything that happens ard me.
yet another sleepless nite.
the smile that nv exist, the heart which is forever heavy. the girl who lose her senses.the girl who was numb by love. the girl who dun believe true love exist. the girl who wants to be independent from now on. the girl who's trying to escape from reality. the girl who's giving up everything ard her. the girl who hate herself so much. the girl who was once willing to give up everything because of him.the girl who once lied to everyone because of him. the girl who was hurt by this particular guy on 3rd nov 2006, 00.26 the girl who is willing to neglect everything ard her because of him. she may not smile anymore....at least not until she find someone who loves her as much as she loves him, not until she find someone who will treasure her. her heart was broken into hundred thousand million pieces. nv be mended back. life still goes on. she may not smile, she may not be happy. she live for the sake of her parents, her family. for her beloved class, for her fav girlfriend. ignorant is a bliss.
12:36 AM
Thursday, November 02, 2006
was a lil pissed with andy. dunno why i felt so distance from him. is it because my heart was no longer with him or is it otherwise. i dunno. dun wanna think. somehow this r/s doesnt really mean much to me. if possible, continue. if not, den no point forcing. that's wad i think.
was on the phone with baby last nite. we chatted till ard 3 plus. comfortable. only word for me to describe. i dun hide anything from him. but i tink the reason we spoke to each other for so long is because im so stubborn. dun wanna hang the phone even when i knew tt i have to wake up at 6 the next day. jus wanna hear his voice and i love the way he speaks.
but somehow i was kinda sad when he mention 1 thing. i dunno whether i should blog it down here. since it's my blog, i believe i do have the freedom.
'....a r/s with no outcome...'
somehow i dunno why i was so affected by this sentence. think think and think. so confused. that wasnt exactly wad i thought it would be. and of course i brokedown. i admit i sucks at r/s thingy. a girl who puts in her everything in a r/s but doesnt get back wat she should deserve.
when i told ching, she told me to be prepared. anytime i might lose him.
the unspoken words.
shall navigate from those unhappy issues. i dun wanna dampens my mood and den have some sleepless nite.
finally i get to go out ALONE with him. at first everything was weird la, but after a while it's okay already. tues morning and wed afternn. everything is enough to make me smile. i guess this was the first time in this sem that ching saw me at the happiest moment.
somehow i was a lil confuse. how long will these happiness last? 1 month, 2 month, a year or forever? definately not forever. because firstly im not his so-called dream gal, secondly everything was smooth for him n her. yes i do wish to own him but i know it can never happen. everything he said seems to pierce thru my heart. there was no reaction from him. is he trying to entertain me or wad.
the unspoken words.
the unbelieveable events.
the unglam me.
the un-fairytale.
baby if u r reading i hope it didnt really affect u. i jus feel like venting wad's in my mind...
im going to bed.
12:00 AM
will this be the last?
when will this happy 'me' be back?
